Comforting role reversals
by hope4love
Summary: This time it's Ryan's family causing the drama . . . can Marissa be there for him the way Ryan was there for her, or will this new conflict wedge them apart. Please review and help me get through writers block!
1. breakfast

Ryan stood in the kitchen at the counter anxiously eating his cereal.   Today was the 1st day of school, and the 1st day he'd be able to see Marissa since the night he took on her mother for her.   He had wanted to call, but didn't want to pressure her.   He was beginning to understand how indecisive she was.   

            Karen walked into the kitchen unnoticed by Ryan but Seth acknowledged her without looking up from his comic book.   

"Ryan," Kirsten started as she poured herself some coffee and turned around to face the two boy's one peering intently into his comic book, and the other staring unseen at his cereal, "I thought you were on a diet." Kirsten finished slightly skeptical.

Seth began to mumble something no one picked up and Ryan just looked at her, confused before he went back to his thoughts about Marissa.   She obviously liked him, Didn't she?   

She always came to him when things went wrong; she said that she didn't want him to leave.   She was angry with him for what happened with Gabby, no matter how she denied it, but she seemed content when she woke up in her arms in Mexico.

Didn't that at least add up to like?

Next thing Ryan knew Marissa was standing next to him in the kitchen, starring at him with the intensity he was devoting to his cereal.   If Ryan was a more animated person he might of given some verbal or physical sign that she had snuck up on him, but he wasn't so instead he felt his silence go from natural to anxious.

Marissa was so confused about her and Ryan.   Really more than anything she just wanted them to be settled.    She was undeniable attracted to him, and she definitely felt a connection, but did she want to be with him?    

He knew her, or at least looked at her like he knew her, and that was new to her.   Scary even.   But also this "connection" was sort of comforting.

"HI" Marissa said softly, barely audible.

"Seth why don't you help me get my stuff in the car," Kirsten asked with a tone that only mothers can own warning him that she was not requesting his help but insisting on it.

"Sure, cuz Mr. Talkative here is really gonna sort things out in 5 min."   Seth remarked with his usual sarcasm.   

"Seth" Kirsten warned.

"Right right I'm coming.   Give these two a chance to NOT talk about everything."

As Seth walked by Ryan kicked out a leg and let him stumble his way out of the kitchen, trying to get his point across in his nonverbal fashion.

"Always with the violence" Seth threw back at the two stationary figures as he retreated.   

Ryan just rolled his eyes and then cast a sideways glance at Marissa to see how she was responding to Seth's comments.   Marissa of course smiled cordially trying not to laugh out loud at the inappropriate but correct assessment of what she assumed would happen from now on.

Ryan wasn't sure what to do or say to her.   He spent so much time with her as Luke's girl knowing nothing between them would ever develop and now she was free and standing next to him in the Cohen's kitchen.   

Last time she was free he had asked her out putting himself out their, and in Mexico he had opened up, well as much as he knew how, confessing how he had obsessed about why she had come to the beach house and admitting, well begging in his own way that he really did want to know why.   He had justified Gabby, asked for forgiveness as best as he could.  But had she noticed his attempts, or was she blinded by his defensiveness.

"How have you been?"   Marissa asked snapping Ryan beck from his obsessive thoughts.

"Shouldn't I be asking you?" Ryan responded trying not to dwell on himself, more concerned about her.

"No you shouldn't, I've decided to go into denial so that I wouldn't end up on medication and stop feeling anything." Marissa quipped remembering Summer's tirade on the beach after cotillion.

"Oh kay, " Ryan said slightly confused, "I'm fine really."

"Sorry I didn't call I . . .I mean . . ."

"Marissa, you were busy and I could of called you too so don't beat yourself up."

Before Marissa could respond or Ryan could continue the phone ring.   A bit startled and annoyed by the constant string of interruptions and restraints between the two Ryan paused before going to the phone, contemplating not answering it.   

Marissa nodded towards the phone letting him off the hook. But not before she could get one last dig in, "It's always gonna be like this?"  Ryan turned back toward her with the phone in his hand.  He smiled sadly as he putt the phone to his ear and said politely "Cohen residence."

Immediately after he answered the phone he turned around and began to whisper, before Marissa could move though Mr. Cohen walked in the room.

"Hey Marissa how are you?"   Sandy asked concerned about the girl who seems to have touched Ryan so deeply.

"Hey Mr. Cohen." Marissa said distractedly starring at Ryan.  

 She had watched his posture deteriorate since he answered the phone.   His whole demeanor worried her.   He wasn't his normal self, but he wasn't the cocky disaffected youth she first meet on the driveway of the Cohen's either.   He was childlike and unsure.

Mr. Cohen noticed what Marissa had and was about to ask Ryan what was going on when Seth came back into the Kitchen.

"Our hand basket has arrived, it's off to hell we go." Seth remarked before he noticed the air in the kitchen had grown thick with intrigue and concern.

"Ryan, what's going on?  Who's on the phone?" Mr. Cohen asked.

Ryan quickly hung up the phone before anyone asked him anything else, and whirled around.  

The first eye's he meet were Marissa's.   She was concerned, he recognized that look, but he wasn't used to being on the receiving end of it.   Ryan had already set his face, he was unreadable or so he thought.  

Marissa had seen the flash of pain and knew that if there was ever going to be a time she could be there for him the way he was there for her it would be now.

Ryan didn't know what to do, didn't know how to comprehend what was going on, but knew he wanted Seth and Marissa Gone if he was gonna handle this situation.

"Mr. Cohen I need to talk to you."  Ryan said not looking at anyone.

Taking the hint Seth took Marissa's elbow and tried to escort her out of the Kitchen, excusing them by saying "Well were gonna wait in the car then."

Ryan, out of habit more than anything else looked up as Marissa was leaving the room.   When their eyes locked Marissa saw the same flash of pain she had seen a moment ago boosting her confidence.  

She snatched back her arm and walked purposefully toward Ryan.   She stopped only when she stood in front of him, challenging him with her face and posture, but betraying her own doubts with her eyes.

Sure they were friends but she wasn't sure they were good enough friends to be involved in whatever just went down on the phone.   She felt close enough to bring him into her family issues, her personal issues, but what if he didn't feel close enough to let her in?

"Ryan what's going on" Marissa demanded holding firm to her instincts that she should be involved.

"Go to school Marissa, this isn't about you."  Ryan answered with the tone she had only heard from him once before, in the model home.   She remembered to well how painful that tone had been the first time . . . but she wasn't gonna let herself be pushed away again.   

Ryan noticed her flinch and was also brought back mentally to the model home, and realized that he didn't have the strength to make her run away from him crying again.

"My mother threatening to send me to the Asylum wasn't about you."

"Yeah your right," Ryan admitted his eyes getting softer.   He stepped in closer to her, leaning in till their foreheads were touching.   Marissa was momentarily distracted by how close Ryan's lips were until he said, "But you asked for my help, I'm not asking for yours."

Marissa pushed him back angrily then stepped in closer to him effectively pinning him against the counter. 

"You need me Just as much as I needed you" she bit back daring him to deny her, pleading with him to leave it at that and not make her explain more to him.

He didn't say yes or no but they both understood when he placed his hand on her hip and eased her back gently that she wasn't going anywhere.   Ryan hated to admit it to himself, and he sure as hell wasn't going to say it out loud, but she was right.   He did need her and did want her support right now.  

Marissa knew Ryan would never admit he needed her.   He didn't need anyone, and she understood this, but she also understood that it was a load of bullshit.   He needed his walls, and she'd let him have them at least today. 

Sandy and Seth watched this little display, and couldn't help feeling like peeping toms.   The only way this display could have been more private was maybe if it had taken place in the shower, and Ryan and Marissa were naked.

Seth beginning to realize that he would be the only one in the kitchen leaving for The Harbor School now turned and walked out of the kitchen.

"That was better then watching TNT, thanks for my morning drama Dawson and Joey."

"Seth."  Sandy warned as his sarcastic son left the kitchen trying not to smile.

Marissa Chuckled slightly at Seth's comment and at Ryan's rolling eyes.   Even if these two were new to the sibling thing they definitely had it down.   

Neither Ryan nor Marissa noticed when Sandy started to talk, both to busy staring at each other, measuring each other.   Ryan wasn't sure how much he would have to pay Marissa or Seth or Mr. Cohen to get Marissa to leave but whatever price at that moment it would have been worth it.

"Ryan . . .Ryan!" Sandy asked over and over.

"Sorry what . . ." Ryan finally responded as he stepped out from behind Marissa and in front of her.   

Marissa Noticed this; his protective nature before when he stepped in front of the angry Luke at her Cotillion and when he had been so decisive and strong when dealing with his mother.   

She wasn't gonna let him protect her from himself though, that much she had promised at the model home.   Even though really at the model home he had been protecting himself, she could even then see the knight in shinning armor that Ryan had hidden within him.

She slid up next to Ryan snaking her hand around his waist.   Unconsciously Ryan dropped his hand, opposite the hip Marissa's hand was resting on, from the counter in front of him and placed it on top of Marissa's hand.

"Ryan, Who was on the phone?" Sandy asked again

Ryan looked down, pausing and Sandy continued growing restless.

"Come on Ryan . . .You asked for this . . .who was on the phone?"

"Trey" Ryan responded quickly with no tone reflecting in his voice.

"Ohhh . . ." Sandy's eyes got even softer, if that was possible, causing Marissa to grow more and more concerned.

"What did he want?" Sandy asked.

"He's . . . He's in chino, looking for me."

"How'd he get this number?"

"From A.J. My mom's boyfriend."

"She . . ."

"She's a drunk and a liar."  Ryan said.  His tone was harsh and bitter; reminding Sandy of how Ryan had sounded in jail, talking about dreams and intelligence.

"What does. . ."

"Who's Trey?"   Marissa asked interrupting Sandy, trying to get a word in edgewise between the two men.

Ryan didn't look at Marissa he kept his eyes ahead toward Sandy But turned his head slightly toward Marissa.

"He's my brother." Ryan said

"Ryan They found him guilty on Gun possession, drug possession and grand theft auto only a month ago, He couldn't be . . ."

"I don't think he's out legally."   Ryan said 

"You mean he escaped, from jail" Marissa said confused.


	2. kissing

_"You mean he escaped" Marissa said confused_

No one responded to Marissa because no one knew, and both men were waiting for the other to speak. Ryan and Sandy realized how shaken Marissa's world was everything she had trusted, her parents, her boyfriend were destroyed. The last thing either of them wanted to do was make her feel like her physical safety was vulnerable as well. 

"No Marissa I'm sure that it was legal what ever is going on, He didn't escape. What I'm gonna do is call a friend of mine at the department of corrections and clear this all up! Why don't you two relax for a while."

Sandy walked out of the kitchen and headed to his office. Ryan didn't move, just stood there leaning slightly against the counter, and slightly against Marissa, trying to think about what was happening.

Marissa saw that Ryan was lost. She had never seen this look on his face. Desperate wide eyes a tight drawn jaw, thin lips; His face was a face of pain.

Marissa slid around Ryan, fully embracing him. She buried her face in between his shoulder blades and rubbed her hands up from his stomach to his chest. 

Ryan's mind was numb; he didn't have a thought in his head. He couldn't have a thought in his head, not if he wanted to survive. If Chino and his abusive dysfunctional family had taught him anything it was how to be numb. He had learned how to drown out thought and function on a primal, instinctive level.

All the training in the world though couldn't push the feeling of Marisa wrapping herself around him off his radar. He felt her unlike he had ever felt any other girls he had ever been with. She wasn't innocent, really but she wasn't jaded and hard either. She was pure, she was honest and she had life experience without the coldness that had seemed to filter into all the girls in and around Chino. He definitely felt Marissa begin to nuzzle herself into his back, tickling his nerves and grazing his calves with her own.

"I want to help you." Marissa said, almost a whisper or a prayer into his back, not expecting anything from him. She squeezed him tight as she said this hoping her warmth and softness would pull him back from where ever he was.

Something inside Ryan snapped just then. Marissa's words fondled Ryan's trigger and there was no going back now. Ryan whirled around and in one clean movement dislodged himself from Marissa's grasp picked her up and set her down on the counter slightly rougher than she thought he was capable of at this point. 

Ryan was flushed with passion and desperation. And Marissa, well Marissa was shocked and aroused, and despite her better judgement sort frightened. 

Ryan had always been fairly hands off or unsure of himself when it came to physical contact. On their "date" he could not of been anymore tentative when he tried to push her in the pool, coming very slowly and not letting her get close enough to the edge that she would have to cling to him, and then he had apologized and backed off almost instantly when they had woken up spooning. She just hadn't expected this much aggression from him, and it frightened her for a second.

Ryan leaned in fast and captured her lips, kissing her gently but quickly. There was urgency and desperation both to his kisses and his hands that gripped, rubbed and scratched their way around her back and over her arms. 

His tongue invaded her mouth, but didn't attempt to possess her like he had done so many of the girls he had tried to take comfort in back in Chino. He didn't want to possess her, he wanted to seduce her into possessing him. He needed her to over take him. He needed to lose himself in the warmth and compassion she had and finally find the comfort he knew she offered him. Even if he wasn't sure he deserved it.

All those other girls in Chino he had possessed. They had been his subordinates; he had made them lose themselves in pleasure. While his quest for physical pleasure had not been unfruitful those girls were never warm, never compassionate. No matter how many different girls he tried non of them were capable of giving him comfort.

It was something about Chino. Chino had the ability to suck the humanity right out of a person, isolating their soul behind a wall of scars that was impossible to break through. Or impossible at least while still in Chino, with Chino girls. How can a mute person help another learn to talk; how can one cold person warm another? They can't.

Marissa was warm, and pliable. Not a part he could find on her was hard, not an area of her was cold, and that's all he needed, to be warmed.

Marissa would always be above him. His salvation from a world of alcoholic mother's and water polo jerks trying desperately to keep him down. And it seems now, more then ever he needed her, need not just the pleasure that shoot through all his senses where their bodies and tongues touched, but the connection as well.

With all the pain, all the need, all the desperation that fueled him he challenged her to dominate him. His hands were demanding, but his lips were pleading. He was begging her to take him. 

Ryan's tongue was tentative; stimulating hers then retreating trying to draw her in to his own mouth. He needed her to erase him with a sweep of her tongue. He needed her to bury him within herself. 

Ryan broke the kiss. "Wrap your legs around me" he breathlessly said pleading with her. 

To Marissa Ryan sounded so unsure of himself so young in his request. He had none of that cool jaded bitterness that she had first heard when they had meet at the bottom of the Cohen's driveway. She didn't think she just followed his lead.

He carried her over to the French doors in the kitchen leading to the patio and opened them. He brought her over to the chaise lounge up the stairs just off of the pool. Then what he did next surprised her. She expected him to lay her down to get on top of her, but he didn't. He sat them on the lounge with her in his lap and leaned back. His torso propped at a 45% angle making her a few feet from him lips now.

He needed her, needed her to cleanse him of his past, of his future, of everything. And he needed to know it was her that was doing it, not his own imagination imposing actions upon her.

Marissa leaned in compelled by Ryan's hands that were still insistently rubbing over her back. But before she captured his lips again his breath took on syllables and she could have sworn it said comfort.

In fact it had, Ryan had tried, unsuccessfully as always, to express his emotions to tell her what he wanted what he needed. His resolved had weakened the moment his lips opened, so what was meant to be a full statement asking her to comfort him just became a single barley audible word, breathed more then spoken.

"Comfort"

Marissa was driven by that plea and by the opened mouth panting sexy Ryan she was growing to love from all rational forms of thought. Instead she was pushed into thinking in song. She had never had this happen before, her own emotions her own feelings were being expressed inside herself not by her own voice but by an echoing vocalist that she hardly recognized.

Just you and me

On my island of hope

The breadth between us could miles

Let me surround you

My sea to your shore

Let me be the calm you seek

(Sarah McLachlan)

Marissa felt him surrender. Se locked her hands into his sandy blonde hair and began to ravish him. She knew he was letting her consume him, letting her swallow him up into herself and she was grateful. It had been years since she had felt useful, since she had felt she had any semblance of control she could act upon and help with.

Her body started to move of it's own volition. Her hips rocked and ground against his. Her chest rolled up and down against his stationary but trembling one. She felt powerful but she barely kept herself in check. She was going to lose it if this kept up the way it was going. She was in control and loosing it quickly.

She scratched her nails down Ryan's neck and over his chest. She wrapped her tongue around his own filling his mouth as best she could. Making sure to caress every depth every hidden recess of him mouth. 

Ryan knew everything was getting out of control. He had felt himself push up her shirt, felt himself start to massage and tickle her stomach just below her breasts but he couldn't stop himself. He needed her. He needed her teeth nibbling on his lips, catching his lower lip for an extended second that felt like an eternity as she gently tugged it sucking it into her mouth and running her tongue along the inside of it.

"Ryan I . . .Oh my God!" Sandy shouted startled at the sight of the two disheveled and aroused teens so obviously in the middle of a passionate make out session in his back yard.

Ryan and Marissa had broken apart at the sound of Sandy's voice. Breaking the moment between the two of them. Neither really wanted to think about the mixed emotions on disappointment and relief that raced through them. 

Marissa felt awkward and Ryan was back in reality alone and conflicted. Marissa saw the dullness seep back into Ryan's expression and felt her heart crack a little. Slowly she stood up, pulling Ryan with her, and embracing him before he could sink completely into his own little world.

He had clung to her, allowing her to pull him out of himself just moments ago, she only hoped she could do it again.

Just as quickly as he had appeared he disappeared slamming the door behind him with out intention, just due to his own momentum. As soon as Sandy stepped back into the kitchen he was startled again but this time by Kirsten standing, stewing in the kitchen by the counter.

"SO what exactly am I supposed to tell Dr. Kim when Ryan shows up late to the first day of school?"


	3. A Literary Bridge A Transition Peice...

__

"SO what exactly am I supposed to tell Dr. Kim when Ryan shows up late to the first day of school?" 

Kirsten spit at Sandy. Who looked flustered to say the least.

"Ryan's brother called this morning. He's upset."

Suddenly worried Kirsten went to Sandy "Where is he?" She demanded, sounding like the mother he knew her to be, loving and protective.

"He's out on the porch." Sandy said trying to block the images of Ryan and Marissa's activities on the porch out of his head. He knew if ever he had salted Ryan's game that was probably it.

Kirsten tried to move past Sandy who stood blocking the doors to the porch but couldn't get around him. He was to lost in though to move, and she was not strong enough to move him by force.

"I'm gonna . . ." Kirsten started trying to push Sandy but Sandy responded with a nervous passion that always made her smile. It was a quality that both the Cohen men had.

"No umm he's NAKED. It's a kid thing sweetheart. He likes to be naked."

Kirsten looked at him, then looked out the window behind him and saw Ryan standing their holding Marissa. She wasn't sure what made her husband suddenly shy about affection but she was to worry about Ryan to give it much thought. 

'Ugh!" Kirsten exclaimed as she pushed him with all her might. He moved and she slid into his spot tripping slightly from her momentum. "You and your son!"

Ryan wasn't sure if what he felt towards Marissa was love. If his feelings of duty compassion respect and attraction added up to love was anyone's guess. He had never been in love never told anyone besides his mother that he loved them, but right now having Marissa curled around him, protecting him he at least felt like he was loved.

His mother was never one to comfort him. She was never sober enough, never maternal enough he guessed. He couldn't stop his mind from going back to his fathers sentencing, when he was 6. It was his first memory.

Marissa noticed Ryan left. He went from gently holding her, to clutching her tightly. It was almost as if he was trying to pull her inside him. 

Marissa just wasn't sure she was ready for that. Was she ready to be inside him? He was dark, darker than she knew that she was sure of. She wasn't ready for his past. She wanted to be there for him, help him but his past was larger and more seedy and painful than she knew how to cope with. 

A/N: okay have a whole flash back I'm trying to fine tune as well as some plot issues I'm trying to work out! So I figure we all should take a vote! With the understanding that I have no problem with splitting them up at least in this little world( Not that I would ever want that in the show bite my tongue) though usually I'm partial to happy endings! What do you think should to conflict be: 

Pauly Shore serious (really shallow and stupid easily worked through)

or

7th Heaven Serious (Not at all pleasant, should be taken seriously requires a lot of work but I'll make it look easy and it will al be wrapped up nicely in an hour)

or 

Schindler's List serious (Pain heartache tragedy many a mortal sin involved, extremely difficult to work through possible impossible at the least permanently change everyone involved)


	4. Flashback

Ryan sat between his mother and brother on a hard wooden bench in a wooden room. Ryan remembered how tall Trey had been even then, almost as tall as his mother, when they were sitting. 

Ryan remembered he had worn a pair of black and white stone washed acid jeans. He remembered the jeans had been too small for him, so small it hurt to be sitting there in that bench. His mother had forced him to wear them though, she had been screaming about appearances screaming about how he wore out all his pants and these were the only ones without holes in them.

They got their entire wardrobe then from the good will. Dad had been in jail for about a month but out of work for almost a year. So most of what they had, was hand-me-down or government subsidized. But at 6 Ryan had only the slightest idea of what all that added up to; he was to young to know how poor they really were.

Ryan couldn't recall anything that was said not by his mother or brother or the judge or any lawyers. He didn't understand what was going on until the bailiff went over to his dad and handcuffed him. A the age of 6 Ryan knew what those special metal bracelets meant. He had seen neighbors been taken away in them and never come back, as well as his mother or father every once in a while when one or both of them was really drunk. Usually the more sober one would call the cops in the midst of whatever argument they were having and the louder more violent one would get dragged off in those bracelets and not come home again for days.

When the bailiff began to drag his daddy away Ryan could no longer stay still. He was so scared his daddy was leaving, and rightfully so. Ryan shot up and out of his seat before Trey or Dawn could have been able to catch him, if they had made the effort do so. They never made much effort when it came to Ryan.

Panic stricken and scared Ryan raced up the long aisle toward the wooden gates that separated him and his daddy. No one had ever really noticed Ryan much at home, he was the quiet one, the one not in trouble, so he went over looked, but every once in a while it was his dad that noticed him. It was his dad that had helped him learn how to do the simple things that helped him survive his house. It was his dad that had taught him all the signals that meant Dawn was drunk and angry and willing to hit the next person she saw. And knowing those signals saved him from a lot of beatings.

He made it almost to those gates, the gates that held his daddy. But an arm reached out and grabbed him. Ryan struggled against the force trying to get through trying to get his daddy back but there was no point, the arm that held him was to strong.

Still screaming still crying still fighting Ryan watched as his daddy's head disappeared behind the wall that separated the holding cell from the courtroom. With daddy out of sight Ryan's little heart broke. He slipped down to the floor. His body and crying collapsing into a heap on the floor, ignored and looked over by everyone left in the room.

It was then when Ryan looked up for the first time to see who had prevented him from reaching his father. Expecting to see Trey or his mother he was surprised to see a police officer, his father's arresting officer. Not a compassionate bystander or a sympathetic public defender starred back at him but a hardened cop with ice cold eyes. Eyes that shown with disgust and contempt for this 6 year old boy who knew no better and wouldn't be given the opportunity to learn better till well into his teen years.

"Let this be a warning to you!" was all the officer said before he turned his back and walked away. Ryan was confused, where was officer friendly he had seen on TV. This police man was not the man that told him every Saturday morning while he watched cartoons next to a passed out Dawm that he would help him. He was six and needed help. Who would help him?

Unfortunately Ryan knew the answer now even if he hadn't then. No one, no one until he was 16 and so close to turning into his father and brother he could barely stand himself. No one would help him till the Cohen's and Marissa would come into his life and show him how much he had within himself that was good.

Ryan went back to the courtroom and back to being that 6 year old boy sitting on the ground watching the man that had taken his daddy away walking out the doors. It was then that he saw Dawn and Trey leaving. Ryan knew his mom wouldn't come and pick him up, tell him she loved him and that everything would be okay, but he hadn't thought she would leave him. 

Trey looked back after Dawn had walked out of the courtroom right before he followed. Ashamed and embarrassed Trey looked at his brother. So stupid and so young Trey thought, shaking his head and following his mother out. 

But Ryan couldn't pick himself up. Couldn't calm himself down enough to stand himself up and exit with what was left of his family. So he curled himself up, into a ball there on the floor and cried. Cried for himself, and for his family, till he couldn't cry anymore.

"Ryan where are you?" Marissa whispered into his chest where her head still laid. He was starting to scare her how scared she was for him. Sure she was attracted to him, intrigued by him but did she love him? Because right now it felt like she loved him. But not how she had loved Luke. This was a richer deeper sensation, not just a quiver in her stomach and a mantra her brain chanted.

Ryan didn't respond right away. He squeezed her slightly feeling her shift in closer. "No where." He said absently. He hadn't meant to give her such a cagey answer but it was just to natural of a response that he hadn't had time to think of a more substantial response before he had responded. His voice was raspy and raw from the control he was holding himself with.

"Please." Marissa pleaded as she separated herself from him, feeling a chill sweep across the check she had pressed into his chest moments ago.

"No where pleasant." Ryan tried to satisfy her without getting to specific. He tried to take her into his arms again. Feeling her absence more deeply then he thought he would of. She felt so good so sweet laying against him clinging to him. He had never realized that your heart could pound and skip beats at the same time but his was now.

She just looked at him frozen needing to feel him but needing him to respond. 

"Childhood memories, nothing fun." He finally said. She looked as though she wanted more, but she came back into his arms so he didn't volunteer anything else.

Marissa wasn't sure where her boundaries were. She had pushed her way here in more ways then one and wasn't sure she wanted to push any further. If she hadn't him let her inside his head, she would have to be able to respond and help him with whatever held him, and she wasn't confident she could. She was having a hard enough time inside herself, to try to add his head too.


	5. A plan of action

**YEAH I KNOW PLOT HAS SORTS GOT SLOWED, AND LOST IN THE RAMBLING! BUT I'VE FIGUERED EVERYTHING OUT (I THINK) AND IT WONT TAKE 5 THOUSAND WORDS TO TELL YOU WHAT'S HAPPRENED IN 20 MIN.!!!! REVIEW CRITICIZE JUST VENT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS CUZ YOUR BOYFRINED/GIRLFRIEND REFUSES TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU ON A FERRIS WHEEL! WHATEVER JUST RESPOND! (I AM A LOSER AND NEED TO FEEL LOVED! WONT YOU LOVE ME!) **

"Alright." Marissa stared "I've pushed you enough for one day."

Ryan was relieved that she wasn't going to fight him, but perturbed by Marissa's response. Could she honestly think that she had forced Ryan into letting her stay? Sure it wasn't his first choice but if he had been against it totally she would be at school now. He thought she realized this. 

Before he could try to reassure her she was wanted Mr. and Mrs. Cohen came back out side. Mr. Cohen following behind his wife, his eye's squeezed shut trying to brace himself in case he was in for a repeat performance. He had not been particularly anxious to go back out onto the porch but he hadn't wanted to try to keep Kirsten in the kitchen by arguing either.

Ryan and Marissa both noticed that for the first seconds Mr. Cohen was on the porch his eyes were squeezed shut and felt embarrassed. Marissa blushed at her embarrassment and Ryan fought the urge to retreat. He always seemed to leave when thing got embarrassing but he couldn't run now. Marissa was holding him to tightly.

"Are you okay" Kirsten asked Ryan concerned about his well being and wanting to break the silence.

When the talking began Marissa disengaged herself from Ryan knowing it was not appropriate to cling to him while having this discussion.

"Yes Mrs. Cohen I'm fine." Ryan replied. But no one believed him that was all Ryan ever said. Especially because he had his eye's focused on the ground a sure sign in the land of Ryan Atwood that he was not being entirely forthright. 

"What did Trey want?" Kirsten asked not wanting to press her newest son into sharing. She understood it was hard for him especially coming from his background.

"He wanted me to stop by and see him today around noon in Chino."

"Okay" Kirsten said. Her tone gave the impression she had reservations because she did large ones. But who was she to deny him the opportunity to see his brother. Even if his brother was a rotten criminal punk who had gotten him in all his trouble to begin with. Not that things hadn't worked out for the best. She loved Ryan unconditionally as if he was her own.

"What are personal day's for if you don't take them right?" Sandy said when he realized Kirsten wasn't going to finish her thoughts.

"Actually I was thinking about going alone." 

"Ryan I don't . . ." Kirsten cut herself off there. Much to Sandy and Marissa's disappointment, both of them were sure she was going to say what they were thinking. That going by himself to Chino to visit his ex-con brother that got him arrested in the first place was not a good idea.

Kirsten though just didn't feel comfortable expressing herself. She really wanted to protect Ryan. To go with him, hold his hand and shelter him if he insisted on going. More than anything though she wanted him to stay home at his house here with the rest of the Cohens; she wanted him to stay in the pool house and kiss Marissa, or on the living room floor playing video games and bantering with Seth

Kirsten knew Ryan didn't need her like Seth needed her and that was hard for her. She had fallen into her role as his mother, loving him unconditionally so easily. She loved him as though he was her own flesh and blood, but she knew Ryan wasn't at that point yet.

"If this is something you feel you need to do, and can only do it alone fine. I'd feel more comfortable if Sandy went with you but it's up to you."

"I-" Sandy started only to get immediately cut off by Kirsten.

"You can take my car Ryan." Kirsten finished looking over at Sandy. They locked eyes and sandy immediately realized they were gonna have to talk. He didn't like this idea, and obviously she was dead set against changing her mind. This is not the time for her to start respecting their son's independent streak. He was not going to be allowed to endanger everything he had going now for his brother.

"Kirsten we need to talk." Sandy said as he walked back into the house. 

Kirsten looked back at Ryan and gave him a sad smile. She was trying desperately to be a mother to him. The kind of mother he needed. She would support him through anything but it saddened her that she had to support him from a distance. At least Seth needed her, and wanted her to be involved in his life when things got tough. Seth had asked his mother to go with him to visit Ryan in juvie and that had meant a lot to her. That was one of the hardest experiences Seth had ever been through. Ryan didn't need her like that though. He was used to having an absentee mother, so she wasn't even sure he knew how to need her that way. And she couldn't force him to.

Inside Sandy was fuming. He had worked so hard to get Ryan away from Chino and now Kirsten was sending him back alone.

"Before you start," Kirsten said waling into the kitchen not even bothering to close the door before she launched herself into her tirade, "I'm not changing my mind. And your not going to go with him either. Unless he asks." Kristen approached Sandy and wrapped her arms around his neck." I know your worried, I'm worried too but Ryan isn't Seth he doesn't know how to let us into this part of his life. And I don't think we can force it."

Sandy wanted nothing more than to push this subject push his wife into caving like she so often did. But he couldn't he wouldn't, not this time. She had done a great thing accepting Ryan and now he couldn't tell her not to. She thought she was accepting Ryan for who he was, and she was right to do so. 

"Fine. I'll call the school and inform them of his absence and why Marissa is late."

Kirsten gave sandy a kiss then turned and walked out of the kitchen. Sandy rubbed his eyes for a minute before opening his cell phone and hitting the speed dial number for Harbor School.

"Dr. Kim please."

Out side on the porch Kirsten walked into what seemed to be a very tense situation. Ryan stood exactly where she had left him, but Marissa was now sitting down at the table a few feet away facing away from Ryan. How and why she had left Ryan's side she guessed she'd never know. This wasn't a good sign that she did know. That Kirsten could tell even from her very distant memories of new relationships.

"Ryan here are my car key's. Why don't you go now take Marissa to school then head from Chino. It's about 10:00 now it'll take you two hours to get up there after you drop her off." Kirsten handed the keys to Ryan and watched as he looked over towards Marissa. She didn't move. She didn't even acknowledge words had been said.

"Mrs. Cohen Umm I don't know if I should take your car. Maybe I should call a cab." Ryan said worried that he would mess up one more thing the Cohens had. He seemed to mess a lot up, and after what happened at the party that Donnie had taken them too Ryan just felt really uncomfortable. 

"Ryan if the car can get vandalized at the Imax it can happen anywhere. Besides I trust you." Kirsten Had never really believed Seth about the Imax, but she thought that if she could maybe lighten the mood she wouldn't feel quite so guilty about letting Ryan go. 

"Besides I don't want you to be stuck there if anything goes wrong. I'd feel batter if I knew you were in control of your own transportation. And If I'm going to work from home today I need to get started, which means I really do need you to drop of Marissa."

"Marissa." Kirsten called questioning the girl, her state of mind of being, everything.

"I'm coming." Marissa said her voice tight with held back tears. She was upset she wasn't gonna lie to herself. Sure everyone thought it was gonna be okay to let Ryan run off all by himself. Who was she to stop him. She only loved him why should her opinion matter.

Ryan wished Marissa would have just said whatever she was thinking when the Cohens had left the porch. But instead he had walked away. Dropped his hand and walked away not that that really mattered anyway he only loved her he didn't need her support.

Ryan and Marissa locked eyes for a split second but in that second they saw their own pain their own fears of abandonment mirrored in the others eyes. That was when Ryan knew that Marissa was gonna want to talk. Suddenly Ryan wasn't so willing to go anywhere. The aspect of being alone in a car with Marisa who so obviously had a lot to say to him just didn't seem like so much fun.

Ryan opened Marissa's car door and she thanked him. As he crossed back to his side Kirsten yelled to him from the front door of the house. 

"You come back Ryan."

Ryan looked at her and saw the love he had never seen from his mother in Kirsten. She genuinely wanted him there he realized that for the first time at this moment. He had always thought he was there with the Cohens at least on her part out of pity but Ryan saw no pity in her eyes. Her eyes held only love and concern and fear, not for her car or for her house or herself but fear for him. Fear of losing him. 

He smiled slightly at her looking up from under his lashes. He would never get used to feeling this accepted and wanted and loved, no matter how long he lived at the home. As he pulled out of the driveway he looked at Marissa and started what would probably be the longest conversation of his life.

"Say it Marissa."

Sandy came up behind his wife on the porch and watched as the Range Rover disappeared. He was worried for Ryan he was worried for their family.

"I hope your right Kirsten." That was all that was said before he kissed her sweetly on the check and left himself for work.

Kirsten wasn't sure she was right. In fact she felt in her mother's intuition she was wrong, but in her heart she had known no other option. And no matter how arrogant and manly her husband was she would never go against her heart. He had taught her that years ago.


	6. Family Reunion

"Say it Marissa." 'Say what Ryan." Marissa played dumb. But Ryan knew better than that he could hear the tension in her voice, see the tightness in her features. "Lecture me, or counsel me or bitch at we whatever you want to do just do it." "You know if you wanted a lecture you should of stayed and talked to Mr. Cohen. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. It's not like this is any of my business or you asked for my help. You have made it perfectly clear where I'm allowed and where I'm not." Marissa bit out still looking out the window refusing to look at him. She hadn't looked at him since she started her speech afraid her eyes would give her up and he'd see how hurt and abandoned and afraid she felt. "What is that supposed to mean?" Ryan asked trying to conceal the anger and defensiveness he felt rising but he couldn't. It was just who he was he had a temper, especially when he was having conversations that were going no where and were only getting him more and more confused and more and more frustrated. Marissa's resolve was not getting stronger. The angrier Ryan got the weaker she got. His anger scared her a little. Not for herself, physically but for them as a couple. Were they a couple? She wasn't sure but she wanted them to be. He had lost his temper so quickly. She wasn't used to this kind of behavior. Boys had never reacted so passionately to things she said or wouldn't say. She wasn't sure if the anger was directed toward her, or her currant refusal to open up. It was intense though. "You can kiss me and paw at me, but anything involving emotions or more than your tongue and I don't mean a thing." Marissa finished. Ryan didn't even justify this with an answer, he knew better and knew she knew better. He wouldn't of stood up to her mother, or waited out her relationship with Luke, or not let her spend the night at the model home with him if all he wanted her for was her body. Instead he repeated his first statement, slightly calmer but still very serious. "Say it Marissa." "I'm not angry." Marissa said pausing before she continued. Her voice soft and unwilling to steady itself. "I'm scared," She whispered. Ryan's anger melted. He wasn't used to women being anything other than angry toward him. In his 16 years on earth, women were always angry with him no matter how he screwed up. His girl friends (not meant to be girlfriends, not implying past relationships) and his mother never got scared, or hurt they just always got angry. "Why?" Ryan asked softer more timid. "Why are you scared?" Ryan looked at Marissa from the corner of his eyes. She wasn't looking back at him she was starring straight a head unseeing. She had never looked so young. He felt his heart drop and his stomach tighten all at once. "What if you don't come back?" Marissa asked, not to him really but herself. She was so scared Trey and Chino would draw Ryan back , and she would lose him, before she really had him. "Marissa-" Ryan started but couldn't think to say anything more. He thought they had settled this back at the Cohen's. He didn't want to go to Chino. The Cohen's didn't want him to go back to Chino. What could she think he would leave her for, Trey? The brother that got him arrested, caused him nothing but trouble, had beaten him up repeatedly when they were children. He couldn't figure out why she was so worried, so he didn't know what to say. They rode the rest of the way in silence. Both Marissa and Ryan were unsure of how to continue the conversation. When they pulled up to Harbor school Marissa didn't budge. Ryan started to get nervous. He didn't know what to do. "We're here." Ryan said softly hoping Marissa was just lost in thought and hadn't realized it was time for her to get out of the car. "I'm not going to school today." Marissa said with an errie calmness compared to the last time she had spoken. She had said on the deck that she wasn't going to be pushy anymore and he would just have to forgive her for lying to him. She was about to get very pushy. "Alright." Ryan said. "Where do I need to drop you then?" Ryan asked hoping he was wrong. Hoping she was not about to do what he thought she was gonna do. "I'm going with you." Ryan turned off the engine, and got out of the car. He slammed his door shut, than walked around to Marissa's side and threw her door open. He squatted down so he was level with Marissa. (Forgot Kirsten had the rover and Sandy has the car so lets just pretend Kirsten has the car and Sandy has the rover or this whole scene that I love makes no sense) "Please Marissa, go to school.' Ryan pleaded his voice raw with emotion, but not the emotion she had assumed would be coming by his aggressive handling of the car doors. Ryan sounded afraid and nervous. Ryan sounded afraid and nervous because he was. Afraid of what would happen if he refused to let her go and nervous about what would happen if he allowed her to come. He had never really really argued with her and he wasn't sure he knew how. You really didn't argue with a drunk, and he never really cared enough about any of the girls he made out with to argue with them about anything. He didn't know how to argue with girls. He couldn't argue with her the same way that he'd argue with a man because his arguments with men always came to blows and he could never hurt her. "Ryan why don't you trust me?" Marissa asked pleading with him to cave. She slowly reached her hand out and lightly brushed the hair that fell across his forehead tidying his appearance slightly. "I feel like you have this whole other world that I know nothing about. How are we supposed to make this work out if you won't even trust me?" "Marissa I don't talk much about things, and I don't really trust people, but I trust you." Ryan said looking her up and down. Avoiding her eyes, afraid of the emotions he was feeling "I want to make it" Ryan corrected himself "this work." Finally when he was done he looked up at her and said "No matter what". Ryan wasn't sure what he meant. How far was he willing to bend he wasn't sure, but he knew he needed her to be okay with him. He needed her to know she meant something to him. "If that's true, Ryan let me come with you." "Marissa Trey isn't-" "Please I want to be there for you." Marissa interrupted unsure of what else she could say to convince him to let her go. So it was from this sense of not knowing what to say, that made her realize she did know one thing she could do. She could kiss him. She leaned down, grasping her hands onto his shoulders to steady herself. She knew this was unfair, that this was manipulating and conniving but she didn't know what else to do and he felt so good. And right now she needed to feel good just as bad as she needed to get her way. The kiss quickly began to grow. She ran her tongue across the roof of Ryan's mouth stimulating and tickling him. It was this abundance of stimulation to a sensitive area of his body that caused him to shot foreword pushing her back against her seat. The passion and intensity of this kiss put all other kisses to shame. Neither Marissa nor Ryan was in control of what their bodies were doing; all they could do was respond to the pleasure that was consuming them. Ryan steadied himself by putting a hand on the headrest and throwing a leg across Marissa's body to rest between her and the middle console. Straddling and trapping her in her chair Ryan felt himself losing control.  
  
More than anything he wanted to forget the world, forget where they were and take Marissa. Make her scream and tremble from unimaginable pleasure was the only thing on Ryan's mind. He didn't think about it when he reached between the seat and the car wall and pulled the lever making Marissa's seat shoot back. He had no idea where this lust came from but it was driving and his 17-year-old system was ill equipped to deal with it. This sudden decline in altitude was what shocked Marissa back into reality. She let out a squeal before weakly pushing Ryan back slightly. Marissa could barely move her lips without grazing Ryan's he was still close, but neither of them had the strength to be any further apart. "Ryan." Marissa breathed and moaned at once not knowing what to do or say, and fighting her desire to wrap herself around him. She needed to fill the void between them now as the cold air rushed between them and his name seemed to be abridge she could erect quickly. She realized the passion and intensity was something she hadn't had with Luke and was something she loved about her relationship with Ryan. But right now here in Kirsten's car in front of their school she knew they couldn't continue a kiss that wasn't a kiss, but a precursor to an act that would be so powerful and consuming it scared her. "Sorry" Ryan mumbled as he pulled away. Marissa heard the disenchantment in his voice and felt her heart flinch. She quickly caught up to Ryan before he could get out of his current position and kissed him not passionately or sexually but chastely, sweetly and lovingly. She didn't let her sex drive motivate her, she let her heart do the kissing. She wanted to convey deep affection. She wanted to convey the love she felt. She gently pressed her mouth into his. Darting her tongue out to moisten and sooth his lips. She didn't push or suck his lips but hugged them with her own. Ryan was surprised by this kiss. Their other kisses had been driven, lustful, devouring, and possessive but this one wasn't. It was innocent, peaceful, calming, and loving. It was that last feeling though that threw him, unsteadied him. His lips remained soft, and pliable but frozen from shock. He had never felt anything like this. Marissa gently ran her hand through his hair and down his neck to the base where she gently massaged his neck. Relieving the tension he had stored there. Gently she pulled away, wondering what to say, but nothing needed to be said. Ryan separated them by standing up; he looked down at her lying in the car and smiled at himself. He hadn't thought it was possible for her to be his first anything, but he was quickly realizing that it was quite possible she would be his first love. Gently and with none of the aggression or the force of his entrance he exited. Than proceeded to go and get back behind the wheel. Marissa in the mean time had put her seat back up and was starring dreamily in his direction. He got back in and started the car. Marissa reached her hand over and grasped his pulling it into her lap. She gently held his hand and caressed it, He looked over at her after he pulled away from the school and smirked. He wasn't positive but he was so much closer to being positive that his feelings for Marissa were actually love. "Marissa, Trey isn't like the people in the OC. He doesn't know people like you, he doesn't behave in a way that-" "Ryan" Marissa Interrupted squeezing his hand. "I trust you entirely." "I'm not sure you can." Ryan said before pulling his hand from hers to turn on the radio. Instantly Ryan knew Seth had been the last one in the car to be listening to music. A man came on Screeching loudly but audibly and emotionally 'If I could I would shrink myself sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove what ever makes you hurt but I'm to weak to be your cure." Slightly creeped out by the surreal qualities the music was adding to the already unsettled car ride Marissa hit the skip button and smiled when the same man came back on singing this time 'I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I'm burning like a bridge for your body.' Ryan internally laughed at Marissa. He had never realized how deep her connection to music was. The fact that a song could make her uncomfortable, not the prospect of meeting someone she would regret meeting for the rest of her life gave him insight into just how much she trusted him, or how naïve she was.. He turned on to the free way and looked at Marissa who was fighting sleep in the seat next to him. He reached his hand out and took hers. Pulling it into his lap. He was unaware when he did it that that her head would follow and come to rest on his shoulder. Not that he minded, but he it was distracting. He let her steady breathing relax him as he prepared himself to go back to the life he thought he would never go back to. Next thing Marissa knew Ryan was gently petting her head coaxing her back to reality. The car was parked in front of a run down apartment building in a neighborhood that reminded her of the ones in Training Day and Seven. "Where are we?" She asked her voice still sleepy. "Arturo's. He's my brothers best friend. Arturo's actually in Mexico right now visiting family. SO he probably doesn't know Trey is staying here." Ryan looked at her then at their surroundings. He belonged here, but she didn't. She stuck out because she was too beautiful for a place like this. Ryan got out of the car and walked around to her side opening the door. He was nervous about how Trey would be. If Trey was drunk he would have to protect Marissa, if Trey was sober he would have to protect Marissa, and he wasn't sure he could. He took her hand to help her out and she looked up into his eyes. She was falling so hard she could hardly catch her breath, but the nervousness she saw in his eyes made her worry for him. She was confident in him, but he obviously wasn't. She paused and made him stop and look at her. He gazed down at her stoically, his mask in place and she looked up at him adoringly. Not wanting him to break his walls now, she realized they were important to what was about to happen to him, but she at least wanted to get into his heart. "Everything is gonna be okay. I promise." She said with a resolute tone letting him know this was not lip service but her belief. She leaned up and kissed him running her hand up to cup his face and gently stroke his check. Ryan idly thought as they separated and walked to the front door that he would be happy when it was her that needed the support. But it was nice to know that she was gonna be there for him. They got buzzed in and made there way past the man passed out in the stair well up to the second floor. The hallway smelled like stale smoke and urine. Ryan had forgotten what that smelled like staying with the Cohen's so long probably to long for him to deal with his family. The Cohen's and Newport made him soft, not that he really minded till now, but till now he hadn't thought he would have to go back to Chino. He raised his fist and knocked twice looking once more at Marissa out of the corner of his eye. Wishing she would chicken out and run back to the car saying something about needing a nap and seeing him when he's done but he wasn't that lucky! She stood by him, grasping his hand supporting him in her own way. The door opened to revel a dirty dark blonde man, scruffy and greasy looking drunk and menacing squinting his unprepared eyes through the natural light. He quickly opened his mouth and spoke. "So if it isn't my dear brother Ry." Ryan inwardly cringed at the reference. No one called him Ry, not anymore and with good reason. Ry was always easier for a drunk to say than Ryan, and no one in his life was a drunk anymore. He just starred back at Trey not responding hopping this would be quick and painless. "You made it quickly." Trey continued "And in a very nice car I see." Trey peered past them and Ryan could tell he was calculating the worth of the parts. "I'm here cuz you said you wanted to see me, what does the car I drove have to do with anything." "Just a comment. Mom told me you had gotten yourself into a comfy position. Worked the 'smart kid' angle. I never could do that." As Trey finished he turned and walked back into the apartment not shutting the door or asking them in, just expecting his little brother to follow him like he always did. Marissa looked over at Ryan confused then walked into the apartment practically dragging Ryan by the hand. Ryan released her hand and turned to shut the door, wishing he didn't have to be there. "Oh and I see you brought your latest Bitch. She certainly looks like a great Fuck!" Ryan heard Trey say this and slammed the door shut before he knew what he was doing. He saw Marissa turning red and starring at the ground shifting uncomfortably. She had never been talked to in this way. Sure she had had guys leer at her the way she had noticed him leering at her when she walked in but something in his tone made her feel bad for the curves she had. Ryan moved past Marissa and stood in Trey's face. He didn't say a word he just stared his brother down, giving him one of the looks Seth jokes about but this look had no sense of humor. Ryan had no sense of humor about how Trey was talking about Marissa. Trey snickered at Ryan and stood his ground. Marissa suddenly realized why Ryan had wanted her to go to school. She finally realized that she should have been scared, and now regretted not having prepared herself for this. Not having prepared herself for the promise of violence that filled the air, and the fear it caused her. 


	7. The conflict

****

I know I Have A Less Nice Idea of who Trey is then the show but it fits my story Better! So anyone sensitive should just skip this chapter. I started writing thinking something else and this came out! Feeling no need to censor myself this is what I have for you! Seriously skip this if you're easily upset I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Marissa was nervous she could sense the friction. Trey walked passed Ryan to Marissa. He circled her and Ryan watched pensively. Trey leered in a way Marissa had never been the subject of before. Sure she had seen the looks some of the old men gave her when she was at the beach in her bikini but it was nothing like this. There was a penetrating, menacing slimy feel to Trey's eyes that made Marissa's back stiffen and her eyes moisten.

Ryan saw Marissa's reaction to Trey and grew more and more nervous. "Trey" Ryan said trying to get his brothers attention back.

"You always did have good taste in ass." Trey said coming to stand behind Marissa. Trey knew what he was doing placing this thing Ryan so desperately wanted him to ignore between the two of them. He knew how to keep his brother under his control.

Ryan prayed Trey would move. He could see Trey over Marissa's shoulder but he could also see Marissa's face. Her face that had cringed when Trey had mentioned Ryan's taste in ass now stood closed and hoping Ryan would make things all better. Ryan didn't want to have to see her reaction to anything that was about to transpire he hadn't wanted her to be a witness to this family reunion in the first place.

"Trey don't." Ryan said with tenseness in his voice that scared Marissa. Marissa had seen him deal with so much, his drunken mother, Caleb, her evil mother, Luke but never had he been as on edge or tense, as he seemed to be right now. It made her even more nervous that Ryan didn't think her fear was unreasonable.

"Touchy about this one huh? What you don't want to share?" Trey slurred taking his hand and brushing Marissa's hair off her back and onto her right shoulder, giving Trey a better view of his brother over the left one.

Marissa's face puckered when Trey touched her and her mind screamed out questions when what he said finally reached her. What had Ryan and Trey shared? Who? But all that was pushed from her mind when Ryan stepped into her gripping her around her waist and pulling her to his side. She clung to him, trying to get rid of the feeling of Trey's breath on her neck. She turned her face away from Trey and buried it in Ryan's shoulder trying to get herself together.

Ryan's face was merely a foot from Trey's as they starred at each other. Ryan's eyes flashed red as his love for Marissa pushed to the forefront of his mind. Trey was not going to lay another hand on Marissa as long as he was there to stop him.

Trey took another step forward and gripped Marissa's ass painfully. Trey's hand on Marissa's ass had a bruisingly strong grip and it caused Marissa to scream and grip Ryan's more tightly trying to pull away from Trey.

Ryan swung around making Trey loose his hold on Marissa and using his momentum pushed Marissa out of the way and came back around and punched Trey hard in the face.

Marissa flew from Ryan landing with a small thud on the ground a few feet away from the two boys that were now in an outright brawl. She sat there stunned and afraid. The two boys were just a few feet away from her Ryan throwing punches and Trey blocking and retaliating. 

Trey gained the upper hand quickly and slammed Ryan into the wall. Trey squeezed Ryan's throat and slammed his head into the wall repeatedly. Ryan couldn't breath and couldn't think, all he knew was that Marissa was only a few feet away and in more danger then he was.

Drawing the last of his strength Ryan brought a knee up hard and connected with Trey's groin. Trey doubled over instantly gagging and laid in the fetal position on the floor. Ryan ran over to Marissa and fell next to her on the floor. He grabbed her by the shoulders and straightened her out looking her over making sure she was okay.

Marissa was crying and shaking. She was so scared. She had never seen a fight like this. She had never been threatened like this. Sure she had had unwanted hands on her before, and Luke had gotten into more than his share of fights and so had Ryan but it all seemed mild now. There was a seriousness in this room that had never existed for Marissa before. She stared at Ryan who was on the brink of tears and stopped shaking.

"You were right." She whispered.

Ryan embraced her for a second then pulled them both up. He decided then that he loved her and he had almost gotten her hurt today and he would never forget that. He was so thankful she was okay and also would never forget that.

He saw Marissa's eyes widen then he saw nothing.

Marissa saw Trey sanding behind Ryan to late. Before she could open her mouth Trey's slammed the half-empty bottle of whatever he had been drinking down on Ryan's head. Ryan passed out immediately, collapsing against Marissa dragging her down to the ground with his limp body. 

Trembling from beneath Ryan's dead weight Marissa looked up at Trey. He had a carnal rage in his eyes that was only slightly dimmed by the cloud of his intoxication. Puke and blood stained his shirt. She felt a warm sticky liquid drip onto her from Ryan's head and became only to aware of the fact that Ryan was out and was not coming back to save her.

Trey threw the rest of the bottle that he held against the wall. The noise of shattering glass satisfying to him, but startling to Marissa. Trey kicked Ryan once in the side connecting with Marissa's hip as well. The kick was strong enough to push Ryan's unconscious form off of Marissa and roll her onto her side all at the same time. He swung his leg back on more time and connected again with Marissa this time in her back causing her to straighten out and come to rest on her back in an attempt to protect it.

Trey walked out of the room then. Marissa sat up and crawled over to Ryan, shaking him. She tried to get him to wake up but he wasn't moving. She couldn't really see his face with him laying on his stomach the way he was and she was worried about him. She checked the back of his head and saw that blood was flowing freely from the wound. She didn't know what to do his hair was stained dark red almost black and starting to get matted. That's when Trey came back into the room.

She looked over at Trey who was holding a newly emptied bottle of Gin. Marissa who was kneeling turned around to face Trey. He shook his head as he walked towards her "Did I tell you to move. I don't remember telling you to move." Trey punctuated his last remark by kicking Marissa in the face.

Marissa snapped back and landed on Ryan. Trey Quickly knelt over Marissa and punched her in the face twice. Marissa was crying hysterically and holding her mouth. She could taste the blood from her split lip and from where she had bit her tongue when Trey kicked her. Trey was straddling her and ripped open Marissa's shirt. 

Screaming for help and thrashing around Marissa prayed Ryan would wake up. But Ryan was out and she couldn't count on him. She had to protect herself. She started to struggle with Trey and Trey quickly got sick of her. He grabbed her by the throat and hauled her up against the wall. She started to kick her legs and felt one of them connect with Ryan's head. 

She felt her foot connect with Ryan's head and stopped struggling. She didn't want to hurt Ryan anymore then he was already hurt. Trey used her sudden compliance to relax his hands enough to pull at her already short skirt. He pulled it up and bunched it around her waist. He looked down at her then and saw her body. All that covered her was her small pink panties and matching bra.

"I was in prison for six months." Trey mumbled "before that I hadn't gotten a piece of ass for a good three or four months. This is the longest I've gone without a piece of-" Trey didn't finish his sentence instead he used is hand to show her exactly what he had gone almost a year without.

Marissa squirmed and cried from the intense pain that Trey was causing her. She couldn't believe this was happening to her. She could feel Trey's hand, she could feel him panting next into her neck. She couldn't move. He had her by the throat and had her pinned against the wall with his weight, she was stuck and wanted nothing more than to crawl out of her own skin.

"Fuck" Trey screamed and punched her without warning in the stomach. Marissa slid down the wall and wrapped herself up in a ball. She didn't dare move or look up and Trey continued to scream and swear. 

Trey punched the wall several times opening up his knuckles. He then turned around and kicked Ryan in the ribs over and over again. "Fuck you!" He screamed. He brought his leg up and slammed his foot down on Ryan's knee. "And Fuck your fucking Knee."

That was when it dawned on Marissa. Trey was more hurt than she had thought. Ryan had hurt him more than she had thought with that kick. Trey couldn't get an erection. The thoughts of what Trey had intended to do made her nauseous. She started to gag but nothing came out.

Trey was drawn back to Marissa when he heard her gagging. He picked her up by her hair and dragged her across the room and into the kitchen. He threw her then against the fridge door. She hit it with a thud and sank back down to her knees. She could hear Trey mumbling something about not getting away with this and it scared her so much. The pain in her head was incredible, and her ribs were aching. She could barely breathe. 

She turned her face to look at Ryan who was still lying unconscious on the living room floor. She could barely move, barely process what was happening but she knew he was hurt. She didn't see Trey come towards her but she felt it when he hit her on the side of her head. The blow sent Marissa careening toward the fridge her head smacking against it hard. Marissa fought for consciousness, as she lay heaped in a pile on the floor. She couldn't pass out she had to do something, get out of the situation. Trey had another idea though and it didn't involve Marissa leaving.

Trey pushed Marissa onto her back laughing. She could hear the cackle and started to fight back as much as her damaged body would let her. She pushed him struck him all in a vain attempt to get him to 

yield.

Trey knelt between her spread legs and held her arms still with one of his hands grasping her wrists. In this position Marissa was left vulnerable to Trey. She tried to resist, to fight but to no avail. 

Trey didn't give Marissa a chance to ponder what was about to happen. He quickly took the beer bottle he held in his free hand and did what she had dreaded he would do. He penetrated her with in.

Marissa screamed out. The pain unimaginable, the humiliation inconceivable and there was nothing she could do about it. She shut down right then. She couldn't feel a thing. She saw Trey above her panting and laughing. She heard herself crying out but it was all as if it was not her at all but some stranger on the television.

Ryan began to stir and was confused. He felt a warm liquid dripping down his neck. He tasted blood in his mouth. His mind was foggy but his ears perked up when he heard grunting and Marissa's voice screaming, crying out for help.

Ryan tried to get up but felt the sharp pain in his knee send him crashing right back down to the floor. He caught his first glimpse of exactly what was happening to Marissa and rage coursed through his veins. Without a though to the pain that was vibrating through his entire system Ryan shot up and grabbed the abandoned bottle of gin on the living room floor.

Ryan charged at Trey hitting him over the head with the bottle. Pushing Trey off of Marissa Ryan straddled his brother and began beating him. Punching his semi-passed out brother with his fists. He kept bringing his fists down hard into Trey's face repeatedly. Not feeling the pain in his hands or knee or head. Finally a few minuets after he had started hitting Trey he heard a whimper from the girl he loved, the girl who's pain had fueled this rage.

Ryan crawled off his incompasitatated brother and over to Marissa. She laid curled into the fetal position next to the fridge violently rocking and mummering. Ryan couldn't make out what she was saying, but he saw her flinch when he reached out to touch her head.

Marissa shrank away from the touch on her head. She wasn't functioning, she wasn't thinking all she could do was picture Trey above her, and feel the pain between her legs from where he had violated her; from where the bottle still intruded upon her. She heard Ryan's voice when he called out to her and she froze frightened and ashamed.

"Marissa" Ryan sobbed hoarse and harsh from emotion and pain. He couldn't hold back the tears that ran freely down his checks. The girl he loved was lying on the floor half-exposed crying shrinking away from him. He had betrayed her, let her down. It was his blood that had caused her this pain, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Not willing to let her down any further than he already had he picked her up. He stumbled slightly when he stood up with her excruciating pain shooting through his knee. When he rose up with her he heard a bottle drop and Marissa cry out in pain. Cringing realizing for the first time exactly what he had stopped. Marissa had protested being picked up hitting him till he had caught her eye.

Marissa fought the person picking her up. Not aware of whom it was or what else would be done to her. She looked up at the person holding her and saw it was Ryan. Her heart dropped even further if that was possible. She felt so dirty but to have Ryan holding her now, when she was more disgusting then humanly possible broke her heart more.

"Ryan" She whispered before her voice caved. Ryan shushed her and ran from the apartment down the stairs into the Cohen's car. Ryan opened the back door and slid the two of them inside locking the car door behind him. He couldn't breath through the pain in is knee and felt as though he could pass out at any minute but he wasn't his concern. Marissa had gone silent since she had said his name back in the kitchen. She was starring blankly past him unseeing terrifying him. He reached forward with Marissa situated firmly in his lap and pressed the On*Star emergency button. A loud voice rang out through the car "what is your emergency?" Echoed through Ryan's head. "What is your emergency?" Was repeated and Ryan reacted finally. "I'm hurt she's been . . .she's been." Ryan couldn't say it. Ryan couldn't think it. But he had to convey it to get her the help she needed.

"Sir, I need any information that would be helpful." The voice repeated himself over and over again before Ryan even heard it. He couldn't say it, he couldn't say what had just happened. "Sir there is two ambulances headed your way but if you have any information that could be helpful to them in treating you or the women with you I need to know."

Ryan opened his mouth but before he could try to speak again he heard Marissa's broken voice ring out in the car. 

"I was raped."

"Alright ma'am. Everyone relax help is on the way."

Ryan looked down at Marissa fear and pain in his eyes. But Marissa isn't looking back at him. She has her eyes closed lightly tears steadily streaming down her face. Ryan brought a hand up and swept a gentle finger across her check wiping the moister from her tear stained and bruised check. 

Marissa didn't flinch because of any pain Ryan caused her but because she was being touched. She wished to god that all this wouldn't have happened, that she had gone to school this morning like Ryan had asked her to. She wished to god that the touch of Ryan's hand didn't inspire the fear it did now but the love it had earlier this morning. But all the wishing in the world wouldn't change what had happened or how she felt. The man she loved she felt she had betrayed. She hadn't fought hard enough, she hadn't done the right thing when Trey had come after her and she would never forgive herself for it.

Ryan shed a tear at Marissa's response to his touch. He loved her and had betrayed her. He hadn't been able to stand up to his brother and this time Marissa was the one that got hurt; not him but Marissa. His heart was breaking for her. She was so precious so gentle so beautiful and he had let her down.

Ryan heard the ambulance pull up. He heard the paramedics banging on the doors trying to get them open. Ryan squeezed the button on the keyless remote he had in his one hand. He heard the doors unlock and he felt the Paramedics grip Marissa and begin to pull her away from him.

Marissa felt hands gripping her neck and shoulders and start to pull her away from Ryan. She could feel his absence and couldn't take it. She needed him, she needed his familiar feel and warmth. Even if he thought she was disgusting she still couldn't bear to not feel his presence. 

She was lying on her back on a gurney before she got her voice to work. "Ryan" she called out praying he could hear her.

Ryan had been siting in the car a paramedic checking his knee when he heard him Marissa call his name; he went to her knocking the paramedic over in the process. Ryan ran as fast as he could to Marissa's side. She was covered in a white blanket and looked scared. Ryan collapsed against the gurney stopping the Paramedics. Before they could remove Ryan Marissa grasped his arm. "Don't leave me Ryan." She whispered before closing her eyes from exhaustion.

A paramedic grabbed Ryan's shoulder and tried to stop him from following Marissa's gurneys but Ryan wasn't going to let go of Marissa's hand and wasn't going to leave her alone. Not if she wanted him there. 

The paramedics all had sympathy for this couple of teenagers. Both of them were severely hurt but that didn't mean that they could break procedure. Two paramedics grabbed Ryan by the shoulders as the other two-wheeled Marissa's sleeping form into the ambulance. Ryan fought them as best he could but injured the way he was he could barely move.

Ryan watched as the ambulance took off and carried Marissa away. She was going to get help, but she wasn't going to get it with him by her side. And that just caused more pain in his already broken heart. He didn't protest when they put him on his own gurney. And he didn't protest when they wheeled him into his ambulance and carried him away. His heart was numb and his body and mind wasn't functioning either. His blood had raped and beaten the girl of his dreams and she had called to him told him not to leave her and he hadn't even been able to do that. He had let her down with Trey and now he had let her down again. He just couldn't function, he just couldn't deal.


	8. The hospital

                Marissa opened her eyes and found herself lying against soft silky cotton sheets.    Suddenly a brilliantly white sheet flew up before her eyes blocking the soft radiant sunlight.   The sheet soon floated down only to come to rest upon the tousled hair on the back of a smiling Ryan's head.   Marissa bestowed a beaming smile upon Ryan, which he returned.   He gently leaned down and kissed her.  Her lips pressing back against his smoothed away the smile and replaced it with a serious and loving face.

                "Are you sure?"  Ryan whispered gently into her lips.   Kissing her passionately conveying a undeniable acceptance of whatever she wants to do.   Marissa remembered what was going on.  She seemed to feel his flesh pressed against hers for the first time since she opened her eyes.   His warmth pressed gently and patiently against her from where there shins rested against each other, across where there waists touched waiting to touch deeper to their chests breathing in unison rising and falling one pressing into the other with equal power and then retracting.    

                Marissa was sure she was ready to translate her love for Ryan into physical communication.   "Yes" she whispered as she closed her eyes and pursed her lips ready for him to kiss her again.    Only he didn't kiss her, and suddenly his warmth was replaced with cool glass at the juncture of her legs.   

                Her eyes sprung open and she found herself no longer in bed with Ryan but on a kitchen floor with Trey.  She screamed and screamed kicked at him clawed at him but nothing seemed to phase him.  Nothing stopped him.  She fought but to no avail.

                Ryan Laid in a hospital bed separated from Marissa by a curtain and about twenty hospital employees.   He had tried already to get to her but they would not let him near her.  They were asking him all sorts of questions, interrogating him really but his head was still so fuzzy and the pain in his knee was shattering.    He could hear Marissa moaning.  Crying incoherently into the hollow room, hollow despite the furniture equipment people.  Hollow because of the pain and isolation they both felt.    Every few minutes he heard her call for him and it shattered his already fragile form every time.  

                The doctors were doing their best to take car of both of them.   Ryan had suffered a major concussion a cracked skull, two broken ribs a broken cheekbone and a broken knee.   Marissa had a concussion a dislocated shoulder a few broken ribs and sever bruises on her thighs, hips, and chest.    She also had a collapsed lung from being crushed at Ryan.   But the doctors were a little more abrupt and cold with Ryan. 

                Marissa was a beautiful girl and Ryan was a punk they had all seen before.    Marissa had been brutalized and Ryan suffered sever but almost defensive injuries.   The rape kit came up positive but no fluids were found.   Ryan was quickly becoming a suspect in the eyes of the doctors, and police that were swarming the two of them. 

                Ryan had refused to talk since he got there.   Police and doctors had all asked him what had happened, what hurt, whom they should call for him, but he didn't answer.   It was Ryan's muteness that led to Julie being the first and only parent to show up at the hospital.   Julie entered the emergency room and tore through it towards Ryan. 

                "You bastard!"  She screamed "You did this to my daughter.   You hurt my baby girl."  She screamed getting close enough to spit in Ryan's face as the doctors dragged her out of the emergency room.    Ryan couldn't believe that woman.   Her daughter was unconscious in the curtain area right next to him and she was going after him.  

 Ryan didn't bother to wipe the spit of his face.    He deserved it.  He had hurt Marissa He had hurt her baby.   Soon though a nurse came up with a rag and went to wipe Ryan's face.    Ryan quickly grabbed her hand stilling her movement.  "She's right.   This is all my doing.  I hurt Marissa.  I deserve this."  

The nurse was confused and disgusted all at the same time.   Was this survivor's guilt or a confession?   The damage inflicted on the girl next door was hideous and gruesome.  A monster did that to her, hadn't they found this boy cradling the girl.

Kirsten sat at the kitchen table going through papers and trying not to notice that she had read the same paper for about an hour and still had no idea what it was saying.   Suddenly the phone rang and Kirsten jumped straight out of her chair startled by the intrusion.    She had thought she was alone in her thoughts, alone with her dread. 

                Kirsten went to the phone and picked it up.

                "Hello."

                "Hello I'm looking For Kirsten Cohen."   Said the voice on the other line, sounding official and cold.

                "This is Kirsten Cohen.  How may I help you?"

                "Ma'am Do you know where you Car is right now?"   The voice asked.   The questions struck Kirsten as cagey and put her on edge.  She had spent to much time with lawyers.   Her worry escalated, she knew where her car was and knew who had it.

                "Yes I gave it to my son to visit his brother in Chino."

                "Well ma'am your car has been involved in a crime and we need you to come down to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow hospital in Chino."

                "What happened?"

                "Ma'am I can not give you any information on the phone.  You need to come down here now."

                "What about my son?"

                "Ma'am we didn't find your son only the perp.   But there is a Marissa Cooper here.   I'm sorry ma'am I don't have much information."

                "Alright I'm on my way."  Kirsten hung up the phone called a cab and grabbed her purse.  She was on her cell phone before she was even at the Driveway.

                "Sandy Cohen's Office."   A secretary answered.

                "I need to speak with my husband NOW!"  Kirsten screamed into the phone.  A bit startled by her own anger and worry.

                "Kirsten?"  Sandy's voice came through.

                "Go to Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow right now.   It's in Chino!  Now."

                "What's going on."

                "The cops called, they have my car and Marissa in the hospital.   Something Happened I don't know where Ryan is."

                "I'm on my way to get you."

                "No just go I called a cab.  I called a cab Just go." 

                "I love you."

                "I love you too Sandy."  Kirsten hung up the phone and paced at the bottom of the driveway horrified that Ryan was missing and Marissa was in the hospital.   What had she let happen.  What had she done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                "What are you keeping me out here for!"  Julie Cooper screamed at the orderly that was blocking her way to her daughter and the scum that had put her in here.

                "Because your unstable and accosted on of our patients."  

"Patient, that boy is a criminal and a rapist!"  Julie screamed as she backed off of the orderly and took a seat the gravity of the situation setting into her.  Her daughter was raped.   Her daughter was beaten.    Her daughter was in serious danger.

                "Damn that little shit head."   Julie cooper sobbed as she saw Sandy burst through the emergency room door.   She stood up to follow him but he was faster then her grief would allow her to be.  He darted past the waiting area unseen and into the emergency room where the doctors were holding her daughter captive.

                Sandy was the first Cohen to reach the emergency room.   He had been here before, actually quite a few times as a public defender.   He hadn't liked it then and he disliked it now even more.   He went right past the waiting room unseeing and focused on getting into the emergency room and within sight of Marissa.   If anyone could give him information about what had happened it would be Marissa.

                Sandy pushed the swinging glass doors open and stepped into the emergency room.  Everything was bright white and right in front of him was a nurse's station.   Nurse's doctors and police all stood huttled around the small circular desk buried in whatever they were doing and failed to notice he had entered.   Well one person noticed he entered, the orderly stationed at the door to keep Julie out.

                "Sir can I help you?"  The orderly asked trying to be as courteous as his present mood allowed him to be.   That lady had really frustrated him.

                "NO!"  Sandy said being short with him and began looking all around the emergency room.  He didn't really hear the orderly say only family was allowed in the emergency room, or that he would have to state his purpose or leave all Sandy could do was look for Marissa.  There was nothing but open empty curtains to his left and to his right.    

                Sandy saw something that shocked him to his Right.  There in the hospital curtain area closest to him was a boy who looked a lot like Ryan.  He couldn't really see him though to many doctors and nurses running in and out of his view.   He noticed the curtain to the right of the open one was shut tight and nurses darted in and out of it quickly.   Their was loud beeping and loud talking and all Sandy wanted to do was find out who was behind that curtain and if that sandy colored hair that pocked up out of the front bed was Ryan's.   

                Sandy began to walk towards the curtain areas but the orderly put his hand on Sandy's shoulder.   "Sir I need to know who you are?"   The orderly repeated all Courtesy out of his voice.

                Sandy turned and; looked at the orderly for the first time.  He was a large angry man twice Sandy's size and from the looks of him did not suffer from the 'Jewishness' Seth teased him of suffering from.

                "I'm Sandy Cohen my wife called me to come down here my son and his girlfriend are in some sort of trouble.   Marissa cooper and RY-" before Sandy could finish his statement he was interrupted by a cop in uniform.

                "Sir I called your wife we have your car in lock up and your son's girlfriend but the only boy found at the scene was an Atwood, Umm Ryan; he's got a rap sheet about a mile long and he looks good for the rape."

                "NO no Ry- did you say Rape?"

                "Yes sir we found Ryan holding the severely injured girl locked in your car.   He's been know to steal cars before and he has a history of fighting, though this is the first rape he has been involved in."

                "NO you don't understand Ryan is not the perp, he is my son, my adopted son and Marissa is his girlfriend.  He didn't steal our car he was given it to drive down to Chino to see his brother.   He would never hurt his girlfriend Marissa, is she saying he hurt her?"   Sandy was so confused and outraged at the treatment Ryan had obviously been receiving from the police thus far.   What ever happened to innocent till proven guilty and rehabilitation.

                "Umm NO sir sorry he or she hasn't said a word since they arrived here.   Ryan is a wake, Marissa lost consciousness at the scene and has not woken up since."

                "Where are they I want to see my son!"

                "Right over there sir.  Again I'm Sorry."   The officer finished but Sandy didn't hear his apology already having raced toward the bed he had suspected correctly that Ryan laid in.   He stood a few feet behind the medical personal rotating around him and watched with horrified eyes.   Ryan was deathly pale except for the dark bruises that ran up and down his face and arms.   Sandy noticed scratch marks on his neck along with bruises the size of fingerprints.

                A  tear escaped Sandy's eye as he called to Ryan.   The doctors and Nurses noticed the sudden change in Ryan's posture when this man said his name.   Ryan turned his head and let out a sob.   Tears escaping down his eyes he looked at Sandy.   The expression of uninhibited pain was overwhelming to sandy.   He had never seen that much emotion from Ryan and had never hoped to see that much pain in any human being especially a human being he loved as deeply as he loved Ryan.

                "Marissa she's been."

                "Shhh-"  
 Sandy interrupted"Jjust relax I know they told me she was . . . hurt.   It's. . Just relax and let the doctors work on you."   Sandy finished his sentence and turned around trying to compose himself but instead he saw a hysterical Kirsten running towards him angry and scared.

                "I just ran into Julie cooper and she-"

                "Where did you run into Julie Cooper?"

                "In the lobby she tried to tell me Ryan raped Marissa.  That's not true Sandy Ryan would never do that I don't care what she thinks is going on they don't even have Ryan here he's missing."

                "No sweetie he's right there, " Sandy said pointing Kirsten to Ryan.   When Kirsten saw Ryan her heart jumped and sank simultaneously.  She was so happy to see him and so scared of how he looked.   Not as courteous as Sandy due to her maternal instincts she plowed past the medical staff still milling less franticly around Ryan and grabbed his hand bringing it to her mouth and kissing it before cradling it next to her check.

                "God Ryan I was so worried!"  Kirsten sobbed tears steaming down her face as freely as they streamed down Ryan's.

                "Julie said  . . . She's right.   It's my fault Marissa got hurt."

                "Stop this Ryan I know you and I know you didn't raaa . . .You would never do that and it's not your fault."   Kirsten couldn't bring herself to actually say the words; they were to permanent to shattering to violent for such a beautiful pure sweet girl like Marissa.   Kirsten felt as though she was an open wound and the word just irritated her further.   That word, rape was too strong for her in her weakened condition to utter.

                She looked down at the boy, pale with pain and grief she had grown to call her son and loved just as deeply and unconditionally as her biological son.   He had shut his eyes and looked as if he was trying to sleep.   His breathing was steady but short his face relaxed but the tears still flowed, though at a lessened pace.   Kirsten kissed Ryan's hand once more before putting it down gently in the bed.

                "Ma'am   How is my Ryan?"   She asked a nurse who was still milling about checking monitors and reading Ryan's chart.

                "The doctor will be by in just a moment to talk with you, but I think he will be just fine."   The nurse said then started to walk away.

                "Wait ma'am Can I see Marissa Cooper?"   Kirsten asked.   "I would hate for her to wake up and be alone."   The nurse smiled sadly then walked over to the curtain separating Ryan from the next bed and pulled it back to revel a version of Marissa none of the Cohen's ever thought they would see.

                She had stitches on her collarbone and a tube in her nose.   She was pale and tight.   He eyes moved wildly under her lids Kirsten noticed as she approached the side of Marissa's bed.   Shattered had been the right word.  Even in her sleep Marissa looked shattered.

                "Nurse is she-"

                "I don't know anything about her condition."  The nurse said softly before retreating.


	9. New dawn

So I know I'm an awful awful person.  But I just got a new laptop that isn't infected with every virus and I should be able to update more frequently.

Kirsten stood next to Marissa's bed looking at her, taking in her injuries till Sandy came over and gently tapped her on the shoulder.   Kirsten looked at Sandy and let herself be lead back to Ryan by the gentle pressure of Sandy's arm around her shoulder.

            Kirsten Knew Sandy was right.   That Ryan needed her attention as well.   There was nothing she could do for Marissa now but keep here in her thoughts.  

            Kirsten approached Ryan's bed and noticed him staring at the now empty area she had just occupied.   Kirsten followed his eyes and saw a sobering view of Marissa.   Her heart broke again for the boy laying beaten and helpless in his hospital bed because his only thoughts were of the girl he loved deeply.

            Kirsten caught Sandy's eye and nodded at him to shut the curtain between the beds again.   She needed Ryan to rest, and he wouldn't do that if he was starring at Marissa.

            AS Sandy closed the curtain a tear spilled out of Ryan's filling eyes and he turned his head away from Marissa's bed to look at Kirsten.   Kirsten was not as comforting a sight as he had hoped she would be.   Kirsten was crying, trembling and scared.   Ryan had never wanted to see her face twisted with so much worry and regret. 

            Unable to handle his own thoughts or the faces around him Ryan gently closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

            Once Kirsten was sure Ryan was asleep she bent down pressing a kiss to his forehead then walked off toward the nurse's center to see if she could use the phone. Someone had to call Harbor and get a hold of Seth.  

            Sandy couldn't take his eyes off of Ryan.   Sandy had taken Ryan in to keep this from happening.   He had never wanted Ryan's heart to be broken anymore then it had already.   He couldn't imagine the pain Ryan must be feeling.  

Marissa couldn't escape from her dream.   She could smell Ryan see Ryan but she couldn't reach him.   Everything was dark, but she knew she was being followed.   No not followed hunted perhaps haunted. The world was menacing and she was afraid.   She knew where her salvation layed though.   Her salvation her safety was in Ryan's arms if only she could find them.   She started screaming for him.   Screaming for the help she knew only he could give her.

Sandy was startled by the severity of Marissa's dreams.   Her screams for Ryan for help were piercing.   Kirsten came running back but no one else seemed to even flinch.   Once Kirsten came to Marissa she immediately hugged the girl and began soothing her but nothing changed.   Sandy moved to stand behind Kirsten and support her in her soothing of Marissa.

Ryan knew that sleep wouldn't bring him any reprieve from the nightmare his life had just become but he was at least still used to painful dreams.   Since he had come to stay with the Cohen's he had began to forget just how awful something's could be.

            As Ryan slept he heard Marissa screaming.   He heard Marissa calling out for him heard her pain her need but found himself helpless.   Trey had been a force since as long as Ryan could remember and Ryan was never capable of competition

            Suddenly the screaming became louder more real.   Ryan's eye's flickered open and he still heard the screaming.   He looked toward Marissa's bed and saw her screaming, failing calling for him.   With out thought Ryan jumped out of his hospital bed landing painfully and unsteadily on the floor.    The pain from his knee and where he had just torn out the IV in his arms screamed at him to Ryan though everything except Marissa and her pain were muted.   Kirsten saw Ryan hobbling toward her and gasped.   Sandy moved to get him but it was too late he was already at Marissa's side his arm thrown on the pillow above her head his check pressed to hers his other arm dislodging Kirsten and coming to rest on the bed next to her.

            "Marissa, baby" Ryan's gravely pain voice whispered and Marissa's body immediately stilled. 

            Kirsten clutched at Sandy as Ryan began to wavier in his strength.   Marissa's eyes fluttered open tear swollen and breathed Ryan's name.

            At her silent request Ryan struggled to climb into her bed pressing her close to his chest.    As Ryan settled into position a nurse came running in because Ryan loosened Marissa's heart monitor causing an alarm to sound at the nurse's station.

            The nurse was as torn about the current accommodations as Sandy and Kirsten were.   The two had just been through a tremendous ordeal they needed comfort, but there were policies and safety precautions being ignored that shouldn't.

            Kirsten looked at the nurse pleading with her to leave her Ryan where he was for now.   Even if just for a few minutes let them comfort each other.   The nurse nodded and walked over to the couple gently placing the finger sensor back on Marissa and leaving.

            Sandy used his arms wrapped around Kirsten to escort her away from the beds.   The two kids needed a minute to remind each other they were going to be okay.   Even if okay was very far away it was still out there. 

            "Sandy" Kirsten trembled as she spoke.   The pain in Marissa's voice mirrored the pain in Ryan's eyes.   She wanted to cry to scream to turn back time and protect her babies from all of this.

            "Shh"   Sandy soothed, though he needed to be soothed himself.   He was trying to be strong for his wife for his family but he was petrified and worried.   They are children who just lost their childhoods.

            "We need to call Seth."   Kirsten had heard Marissa screaming and forgotten all about telling Seth.   Kirsten looked at Sandy then headed towards the waiting area to use her cell phone.   She saw Julie arguing with an orderly but just kept walking.   Julie might be her friend but her behavior was unacceptable.

            It was already 4:00 pm.   Seth was out of school.  He was possibly already at home looking for all of them.   Kirsten dialed Seth's cell phone.   It rang twice then Seth picked up.

"Hola Madre!"

"Seth there's been an incident."

"What happened?"

"Seth Marissa and Ryan are in the hospital.  They are going to be ok but you need to come down here.   Take some money out of my room get a cab.   We're at Our lady of Perpetual Sorrow."

"Mom I . . . I'm on my way. Wait Mom. "

"Yea Sweetie?"

"Do you guy's need anything?"

            Ryan held Marissa to him as tightly as he could.   He wanted to absorb the last day into himself seal it away with all those drunken beating's he had been victim to and let her be the person she was this morning.

            Marissa felt different.   She felt dirty anxious hurt used violated old.   She just wanted Ryan to swallow her with his strong arm.   She just wanted him to tell her she was still beautiful, still the woman he wanted.  

            Part of her wanted to pull away from Ryan.  She felt unworthy of the attention the affection the protection he was giving her.   But another part of her needed to be held, all the men wandering around the emergency made her nervous.

            Ryan and Marissa heard the approaching footsteps and instinctively cuddled closer together.   Ryan out of fear of a doctor separating them and Marissa out of fear of what the approaching person would do to her.          

            She felt safe where she was, and knew if he were to leave her then all the pain, all the dirtiness would become evident to everyone around her and they would hate her.   Look at her as if she was disgusting.     She was afraid they would see that this was all her fault.

            "It's all my fault."   Marissa cried softly.   She hadn't realized she was speaking out loud.   When Ryan heard her his heart broke further.   He had done this to her it was his family, his trip his love for her that had brought all of this on.  He flexed every muscle in his body in response.   His whole body begging to respond to her comment to deny her to reinforce where to blame really lay with him.

            "Marissa,"   Ryan began slowly trying to find the strength to tell her she was wrong.   He knew it to be true, had the words to deny her but couldn't find the strength in his body to move his lips, and his tongue.

            Julie cooper had finally convinced the guards that she needed to be with her daughter.   Julie had heard she had woken up and was heart broken that she hadn't been there for her daughter.  She ran past Sandy who was talking to a doctor by the nurse's station.

            Sandy saw her and called out after her trying to get her to stop before she found Ryan in Marissa's hospital bed.   Julie blamed Ryan for everything and it was no secret that the two didn't get along.   She had already attacked him once and now she was going to freak out.

            When Julie flew around the corner her concern and love for her daughter driving her on she was practically crying.   She went from practically crying to hysterical when she rounded the corner.   Her daughter was laying in her hospital bed being held by her rapist.  Julie screamed in fear.  Then ran to her daughter and began pulling Ryan away from her.  

            Ryan clung to Marissa with more strength then he knew he had.   He wasn't in a hospital anymore, he was in the apartment.   Trey was pulling them apart.   Trey was trying to get at Marissa, to hurt Marissa.

            Marissa clung to Ryan.   She hurt because of her injuries from Trey, because of the new injuries Ryan squeezing her were inflicting and because she feared what would happen if Ryan stopped squeezing her.

            Security came and separated Julie for Ryan.  She was still screaming, still crying still trying to get to Ryan.   She was trying to protect her daughter.  AS they started to remove her again she collapsed and just kept whispering "He's hurting her.   Help her he's hurting her."

            Sandy stopped the guards by the door to the emergency room.  "Wait just wait." He dropped down to his knee's and looked Julie in the eye.  She was as defiant as ever but he knew he could get through to her.

            "Yes Ryan was there.   But he was not the man that hurt Marissa.   No one knows who hurt Marissa but it's not him.   He's comforting her not hurting her please just think about it, think about them.   It's not him you need to be afraid of."

            Marissa started to cry. She was hurt and the doctors had come to check her out.   With a little resistance, but nothing major Ryan was helped back to his bed so the doctors could help Marissa.

            Marissa started to hyper ventilate the minute Ryan left her.  She was so scared so nervous she could barely stop herself from screaming.  But when a male doctor approached her she couldn't stop her self she started screaming thrashing injuring herself further.  

            Ryan moved to help but the nurses who had helped him back to bed stopped him.   He couldn't help now they told him.   She wasn't there anymore they told him and they were right.

            Marissa was lost.  She had just been in her hospital bed, she had just been held by Ryan and now she was on a clod floor and Trey was looming above her.   She fought this time, harder then she fought last time but her blows didn't affect him.   When she connected with him she only felt more pain.

            Once the doctors got Marissa tied down to the bed she couldn't move anymore so she just screamed.   She screamed in her mind to wake up Ryan, to get a neighbor's attention but in reality she was unintelligible.   She was just hysterical.   The nurses came with a needle and injected Marissa with something Ryan wasn't sure what.  But it only took a few seconds before it put her to sleep.

            Ryan looked at Marissa's sleeping form and relaxed slightly.   He was worried for her, for them but mostly for her.   She was sleeping now though.  So he figured he should rest too so when she wakes up he could be there for her.


	10. Clearing a few things up

Seth busted through the emergency room door with two bags clutched in his hands.   He was scared, but of course he was scared his best friend and brother was in the hospital and so was Marissa.   Seth searched the lobby for signs of his parents but found none.  

            Seth walked up to the registration desk.   "Can I know what room Ryan Atwood is in?"   Seth asked.

            The young women behind the register looked at Seth then began typing in the computer.   "And you are his?"  The women asked trying to find out if she was allowed to release the information.

            "I'm his brother."  Seth said without missing a beat.

            "The women nodded finding a Ryan Atwood listed in the computer.   He's on the 9th floor room 946 But that's the ICU so you have to get buzzed in."

            "Okay.   Thanks."  Seth said running off in search of Ryan.

            Kirsten sat quietly next to Ryan's bed while Sandy stood outside talking to the police.   Kirsten looked up at Ryan and felt tears welling back up in her eyes.   He looked so young when he slept and that only helped make the bruises and cuts that marred his face more intruding.

            Kirsten stood up approaching the bed and brushed Ryan's bangs off of his forehead.   He was her little boy, she loved him and right now she had never been in more pain.  

            They had put Ryan in a private room in ICU moments after he fell asleep in the emergency room.   The doctors had added morphine to his IV causing his sleep to become very deep.   He hadn't so much as twitched in two hours.  

The doctors wouldn't tell her where anything about Marissa's condition.   She had wanted to yell, to make them give her the information but she knew they couldn't and they would banish her like they did Julie if she wasn't careful.   She had to be here for her son, she just didn't want to have to tell Ryan she didn't know where Marissa was or how she was.

Sandy walked back in the room with the police officer in toe.

"I thought I said not right now!"   Kirsten Harshly whispered at Sandy.   She didn't want the police grilling her son now.  He was still to sick, and to sad to deal with the police.

"Ma'am though we know Ryan didn't steal the car we still need to clear him of the rape charges, and get any information about the incident out of him now while it's still fresh."  The officer said carefully.

"It's to fresh, besides he's obviously asleep."   Kirsten said tucking the blankets tighter around Ryan.   The anger that rose in her at the thought that Ryan was a suspect threatened to choke her.

"Kirsten we need to get this done.   We need to wake him up.  He will be able to rest better if the police aren't standing around."

Kirsten wanted to argue more but didn't.  She knew her husband knew more about legal matters then she did.   Kirsten gently cupped Ryan's cheek stroking her thumb across his face.  "Ryan, Ryan sweetie you need to wake up."

Ryan stirred and his eye's fluttered open.   He hadn't been dreaming in fact in felt to his as though he hadn't slept at all.   Kirsten's tear stained face greeted him.  Her eyes were apologetic and it confused him.

"Ryan sweetie I need you to tell the police what happened today, to Marissa and to you."  Kirsten whispered softly sorry for her involvement in all of this.

Ryan knew what they wanted to hear.   Ryan knew what he wanted to say he just didn't know how to get the strength to say it.

"Ryan if it's to soon . ."Kirsten started but was interrupted by Ryan.

"I  . . . I didn't hurt Marissa.   But I couldn't protect her.   It was Trey.   He was . . Drunk and he's  . . . Strong.   I tried I did but."

"That's enough for now Ryan"   Kirsten interrupted kissing his forehead.  Kirsten turned back to the cops and looked at them "  Trey Atwood.   Ryan's brother, go find him and leave us alone."  

"Ma'am I'm gonna need a little bit . . ."

"You're gonna need to leave now and let my son recoup before you ask him anymore questions." Kirsten interrupted.   She had had enough and was trying to process what Ryan had just told them.   She had figured they had been jumped.   She had figured Ryan had been ambushed, probably knocked unconscious, that he didn't know who had done it.   She couldn't imagine the pain of knowing who, knowing you were there.

Ryan saw the cop leave and felt grateful to Kirsten for allowing him to stop.   He didn't want to talk about it.  He didn't want it to have happened.  He wanted to go home. 

But before he could move another inch the door to his room busted open again and a disheveled Seth tumbled awkwardly through.   He had bags with him and was slightly out of breath.

Suddenly Ryan was torn.  He loved his brother but couldn't deal with sarcasm or humor right now; there was too much gnawing at him.  

Seth looked at Ryan and dropped the bags he held.    Seth had never seen anyone as hurt as Ryan was.   He was scared.   He wondered what to say what to do.   He had a hard enough time coping with Ryan's words about his past, to see this manifestation this re-enactment of what Ryan's past was like only served to make him feel more stupid and immature.

Ryan saw the look on Seth's face and didn't recognize it.   He saw no jokes no sarcasm he saw pity he saw unease he saw hurt.   Ryan looked at Sandy and Kirsten's faces and noticed the same emotions were reflected in all of them.   Ryan was a proud person, but felt too much shame over his failures to Marissa to resent the looks bestowed upon him.

Marissa his mind screamed at him.   He had been so scared so afraid so shamed by everything since Kirsten had woken him up he hadn't even noticed he wasn't in the emergency room.   Ryan's head snapped from side to side quickly scanning for Marissa's presence but found only the Cohen's.   His neck hurt at the exhilaration.

Kirsten noticed the frantic look in Ryan's eyes and his sudden head movements and approached his bed.    She sat down next to Ryan gingerly fearing that jarring him would cause further agitation.   "Honey?"   Kirsten questioned, hoping she wouldn't need to press Ryan.  She wasn't sure she had it in her to press or deny Ryan anything.   He was her son and he was hurting.

Ryan meet her loving comforting eyes with his own  which were lost and glistening with unshed tears.   His throat was sore and his mind was sluggish but he knew what he was upset about.   "Marissa?"   Ryan questioned his voice shaky with emotion.

Kirsten sighed and took Ryan's hand.   Sandy came up beside her and gently pushed Ryan's shoulders back against his pillows.   Neither of them wanted to tell Ryan exactly where Marissa was, they had hoped that he would be lucid enough to understand she was in another room.   They didn't want to tell him exactly which other room.

"She's fine."   Sandy replied.   He knew that if Ryan knew she had started to bleed out and had been rushed into surgery shortly after he had fallen asleep he would get no more rest.

Kirsten looked up at her husband tears in her eyes.   Sandy was lying to Ryan.  Perhaps it was for his protection but it was a lie none the less.   She wasn't about to correct Sandy even though the lie made her worry further, she wasn't the concern now, Ryan was.

Sandy put his hand on his wife's shoulder and squeezed affectionately.   She had never been good at lying to Seth he didn't know why he thought it would be different with Ryan, even in these circumstances.

Ryan didn't believe Sandy or Kirsten.   He could tell they were hiding something, but before he could gather the strength to confirm his suspicions a doctor walked in interrupting his thoughts.

The doctor looked at the tense family before him and felt relieved that he had no further bad news for any of them.   They looked to drawn to handle anything further.   He tried to but all of their minds at rest with a genuine smile but no one was comforted. 

"I just wanted to talk to you further about Ryan's test results and care plan."  The doctor enunciated clearly trying to make sure there were no confusions or further stressors.

"Outside."   Kirsten bit out.   She didn't want anything unpleasant to reach Seth or Ryan's ears at this point.   She couldn't handle it, and was unsure if they could either.   She and Sandy followed the doctor out wordlessly.

Seth stood in the same spot he had since he got his first glimpse of Ryan.   He wasn't sure what to do or say.   It's wasn't Ryan's physical injuries that kept him frozen in place, like initially.  It was how raw Ryan seemed to be.   Every muscle, his eyes, his tone all seemed defeated to an extent he was unsure of how to handle.

Ryan didn't want to be handled though.  He gave Seth a quick glimpse before closing his eyes and thinking about Marissa.   Ryan wasn't a religious person, he wasn't a spiritual person but he was a humble person and he knew he couldn't protect Marissa right now where ever she was.   But there had to be someone who could.

Marissa lay unconscious on an operating table in the heart of the hospital.   Bright lights and beeping surrounded her as the doctors worked to repair the damage done to her Uterus by her attacker.  

There was a sense of fear and pity in the room.   The two teenagers that had come in today had been the talk of the hospital.   How they were found clinging to each other, how it turned out the boy was the most logical suspect then how he was cleared.  The clashing families and bittersweet reunion echoed through the employee lounge through out the day.  

Everyone in the room knew what was at stake one young life and the possibility of more.

Marissa was unconscious but not at rest.   Her mind raced, in fear in confusion from pain all at once nearly over burdening her mind.   More then anything her whole body wanted to rest.   There was a strong feeling of helplessness and shame coursing through every cell in her body.

Marissa wanted nothing more then nothing.  She wanted to feel, to have to be nothing.   Occasionally she could feel someone reaching out for her, someone safe and warm, and someone who wanted her.   The problem was she didn't want herself.

The doctors became frenzied and panicked due to the slowing of Marissa's heart beat.   She was much too young and had lost too much blood.   The surgeon knew what he had to do, he was just unsure of the finality.   He had to close her up, she couldn't survive much more and his window of opportunity was closing. 

The doctor made a decision quickly.   After all what was more important her life or future lives.  The doctor told the nurses to prepare for a full hysterectomy and the room instantly got tenser.   No one wanted this, but no one was left with any other choice.


	11. A much needed visit

            A/N  Yeah writer's block!   But I think I'm getting back on track!  You all have been supper cool in your responses! (some odd but all good)  There are some twists in this chapter!  I hope it will reignite any lost interest!  

Marissa woke up with a foreboding feeling.   She couldn't quite place her surroundings, she had a feeling something was wrong but she couldn't remember what; she was still too asleep.   She moved her arm and a sharp pain went screaming through her veins.   She looked at the spot where the pain had originated and found an IV attached to her arm.   She looked at her other hand and found another one.  

            Marissa searched the room and saw her father sitting on a chair at the end of the bed sleeping.   Now she knew why this seemed so familiar, she was in the hospital again.  She relaxed against the pillows starting to really wake up now, and suddenly wished she hadn't cleared the fog from her brain.

            The events of earlier screamed through her head with a vivid accuracy that tore Marissa to the core.   She started to scream as she pictured Trey between her legs, as she felt her body being violated, as she felt her heart being broken.

            Marissa's screaming woke Jimmy and sent every nurse on the hall flying into her room.   Marissa struggled like crazy beating her arms her legs.   The nurses and Jimmy quickly restrained her.  

            Jimmy looked on sadly as he watched the hospital staff secured his oldest daughter and closest relative by sedating and strapping her to the bed.   His heart knew no limitations of feelings when it came to his daughter, there were no boundaries that his love and affection resided in, she was the only family that had stood by him in his fall from grace.   Now he only wished he could support her the way she had him.

Marissa lay pale and unresponsive in her bed.   The last rays of the sun fell harshly across her immobilized face.   The fading sun light was highlighting the blues purples yellows greens and reds marring her once flawlessly tanned skin.   Her eye's stared unblinking at the light.  

It had been little more then an hour since she had awoken.   A little more then an hour since she had fought her demons; little more then and hour since the nurses had made her incapable of fighting.    

The doctors had come through shortly after she was stable checking her stitches, checking for wounds newly inflicted.   They say it's just temporary, that it is a natural reaction to such a tragedy but Jimmy can only think of how unnatural the whole situation is.

Kirsten walks into the room. Jimmy doesn't dare take his eyes off Marissa frightened she might fade farther from him.  Jimmy knows its Kirsten by the distinctly expensive click of her heels and the romantic scent of her perfume.     Even over the wrinkles, unwashed staleness, and oil that lay across her skin sprung from the sweat of worry and fear she had a faint lingering of romance and money.  And only Kirsten was capable of retaining any sense or propriety though she had thought she abandoned it with the first terrifying phone call.

Kirsten walked silently into the room.   Silently strode over to the side of Marissa's bed, the side her head hung limply towards coming to rest in front of Marissa's vacant eyes.   

Kirsten stoked a bang out of Marissa's face noticing no changes in her expression or position.   She noticed wetness on Marissa's check and a glistening in her eyes, her lifeless eyes.   Kirsten placed a solid and gentle kiss to the top of Marissa's head.

Kirsten took note of the bruises, the swelling, the IV's, and the stitches.   She had been told by Jimmy already of Marissa's condition.   She had been told all about what had happened when she bled out and what the doctors had done to her.   Kirsten scolded herself mentally the doctors had done everything for her; Trey was the one who did things to her.

She had come to her for so many reasons, there where so many motivations for each and every single step she took to reach Marissa.   Ryan was the foundation for many of them though.   He had sat silently since he woke up.   He had sat silently since Seth had arrived.    He had sat silently since he had found out about Marissa.   He was as silent as a widower an orphan or a mute.

She wanted to be able to be honest when she looked into his eyes and tried to reassure him Marissa was fine.   She wanted to see how bad Marissa was with her own eye's to see how long it would have to be before Ryan was able to see her.    And it pained her to know that Ryan wasn't going to be able to see her anytime soon.

She couldn't allow Ryan to see Marissa in this condition.   Ryan was too much of a protector, to much of a white knight to witness the rubble that Marissa had buried herself in.   Ryan was to in love to see Marissa so comatose.   The light that had shined so brightly in Marissa's eyes this morning was gone.   And Kirsten knew that only Marissa could bring that light back.

Kirsten sat next to Jimmy in a chair and neither adult spoke a word.    There was an impenetrable fog of heartache and permanence.    The destruction that escaped Marissa's every pore flowed straight from her waking dreams stifling both adults.

Marissa stood on the beach at sunset.  The sand was warm and spreading around her feet.  The sun shown evenly while descending below the peaceful blue water; kissing the horizon like a yearning lover.    She felt arms wrap around her from behind and she leaned into them tipping her head back against a solid wife beater clad chest.  

"I remember the first time I saw you out here.   Out here on the beach, just watching the waves.   The colors the pinks the oranges the purples the blues seemed to be shining from your soul lighting the world for me, and for everyone."  He said softly his mouth pressed into her neck his words caressing her skin with longing and passion.  

There was an ache deep in her heart though.   The words were sweet and promising but her body was preparing for something else.   Part of her wanted to run to scream to detach herself from the love lapping at her like the waves kissing the sand but Ryan's grip was firm in its tenderness keeping her plastered against his form.   She could feel his affection his regard and thoughtfulness.    She could feel his love but something was wrong.

"I've loved you since I first saw you on your driveway.   I was born to love you and I will die loving you."  He finished squeezing her and placing a chaste but passionate kiss to her smooth neck.

That something never came though.   Ryan just wrapped himself tighter around her trying to secure her trying to ease her pain.    Marissa couldn't let it go though.   She felt uneasy despite his touch.

The sun sank the last few inches behind the water yet the glow remained the same.   The sun was still bright enough to illuminate their figures but soft and gentle.   'like his touch' she thought as the last rays warmed her skin.  

She waited though, waited for the breeze the storm clouds him to pull away her to be taken away.   She waited for the reason for her pain despite the perfection and romance of the moment.   She just couldn't find it.  

And as the moon rose, casting a pale glow on all that once shown so brightly a dawning in her mind made her simultaneously clutch and pull away from Ryan.   She stood isolated from Ryan inches separating their body by holding his hand though her salvation was planted in his palm.   The pain the uneasiness the grief had nothing to do with Ryan.    Her pain resided solely within herself.

Ryan sat watching Seth and Sandy bicker over what to watch on TV.   Kirsten had left to see Marissa what seemed like hours ago.   But for him time had seemed to stop this morning.    Seth had hardly looked at him since his arrival which Ryan took as a sign to the severity of his visible injuries.

He didn't care really about any of this though.   He didn't care about himself, he cared about his family.   His families both in heart and in blood were proving every day the inherent differences among them.   Trey had in one morning, in one drunken fit of rage damaged the only perfection he had ever bore witness to; Marissa.  

Ryan hated himself for thinking of Marissa as damaged, as hurt or used, as violated or broken.   He loved her so much, loved her on a level he hadn't known he was capable of before he meet her, before he moved in with the Cohen's.   But he was too much of a realist, to practical for even his own good.   How could he deny that Marissa was changed, how could he deny that Marissa was different he didn't lie to people he couldn't start lying to himself.

As Ryan felt his eye's grow heavy he heard the familiar sound of Kirsten entering the room.   The thought of news about Marissa combated the exhaustion and morphine leaving his senses heavy but alert.   He took in Kirsten's hunched posture, sad eye's tear stained checks and felt the last solid part of his heart shred.   Marissa is not okay.

Kirsten sat on the edge of Ryan's bed knowing that Ryan knew.   She knew the whole room knew but she was Ryan and Seth's mother, Sandy's wife and needed to be there strength.

"It's gonna be hard."  She whispered softly.   She wasn't sure she had the strength to continue but she had to for Ryan.   "She's been through more suffering then one child should ever have to bear."   She paused again thinking again about just how young all these kids really were.   How young was too young; ran through Kirsten's mind with a violence that caused her to visible shutter at the thought. "She's going to need time alone."   She could see Ryan trying to shake his head but continued placing a stabilizing hand against Ryan's check.  "You can't heal her!  You can't become what she needs!   She needs to find peace by herself if she is going to ever survive this.   So support her love her listen to her but for her sake and yours do it from a distance.   Don't become her crutch." 

Before Ryan could respond there was a knock at his door.   Ryan couldn't turn his head to look; Kirsten still held his head in her hands forcing him to look into her eyes begging him to understand the situation.   Only when he heard a man clear his throat did Kirsten release him and was he allowed to get a look at the person standing by the door.

Ryan's eyes grew wide.   In the door way stood his mother and AJ.

Summer practically ran through the halls of the ICU.   She had gotten a message on her cell phone from Julie Cooper explaining Marissa was in the hospital in Chino and not doing so well.   Summer had been panicked since then trying to get a hold of Seth or Ryan or Jimmy.   She had nearly killed herself a thousand times driving up to Chino balancing fear grief panic driving and her cell phone.

As she skidded to a stop in front of Marissa's room she saw a sobering picture.   Jimmy was crying in a chair by Marissa's bed.   He wasn't hysterical he wasn't slobbering he was quiet with a steady trail of tears sliding down his checks.  Marissa laid staring her head turned towards the windows barely moving to breathe.   Summer saw all this and slowly backed up against the adjacent wall.  

She could still see into the room as she slid down the wall coming to rest on the floor.   She only lost sight of the room when her tears blurred her vision.

Julie sat outside the hospital in her car.   It was time for her to go home.   The sun was setting Caitlin was waiting unaware of recent events and the hospital wasn't going to let her in anyway.

Her heart was broken but the only outlet she could find for her pain was the rage she felt towards Ryan and Sandy.   She blamed them both for her little girl's destruction.  In her mind the loss of Marissa's innocents her virgin blood was splattered all over the hands of Ryan and Sandy.

Trash was her only echoing thought.  Trash tainted my poor baby.   Trash caused unthinkable violence and pain.   Trash caused her baby to foolishly throw her life away.   She could only hope this incident provided her with enough to finally take the garbage out.


End file.
